I am obese. Not just fat, but obese. I am 5'3 and I weigh 270lbs aprox. The numbers look so small to me, I know 270lbs is a lot. That is at least two people my height. But looking at the numbers, they seem so small and insignificant. I am more than just a number after all aren't I? 

I was never skinny. I was healthy but never skinny. When I was a child I was chubby, not by any means fat but chubby for sure. I was made fun of, not by school kids but by my own family. My own brother, the one closest to me in age, would call me shamu, like the whale. I was convinced that I was fat. I would look in the mirror and I would see thighs that jiggled and flattened out as I sat. I would see arms that though felt tight with muscle were far larger than they should be. I would see a tummy with a "pooch" that I thought was huge. I remember asking my step mother, who was over weight, "What do I have to do to lose this pooch." , she told me, "You will never lose it." I thought she was telling me I was fat and that I would always be fat. Knowing her she may have even intended me to think that but I now, looking back at pictures, can see that I was not fat. I became obsessed with weight loss. I never starved myself or threw up intentionally. No, I felt I was too smart for that. I knew that was unhealthy and could lead to death. Plus I really liked food. So, I would make up work out schedules, and schedules for my entire day, I didn't go to school that is another story though, so I had a lot of time on my hands. I would wake up work out, eat breakfast, work out, watch a bit of tv and then work out. I would eat lunch and then work out. I would hang out with friends and then work out. Then do some writing (I've always loved to write) and then work out. A good portion of my life from age 13 to 16 was spent constantly working out, measuring and weighing myself and writing logs about it and feeling that I hadn't gotten anywhere. I remember I lost more weight by suddenly playing basketball with some friends every day for 2 weeks than I had lost doing constant exercising. I'm still not sure why that worked. 

What happened when I was 16? My father made me move down to Arizona to help him and his other wife (very long story) raise their new daughter. My little sister. I did in fact do all of the bottle feeding, diaper changing, bathing, walking, rinse and repeat ... with my little sister and I love her more than I can even comprehend because of it. But, I also became depressed. Whenever I wasn't required to be cleaning or taking care of the baby, which wasn't often, I would sleep. I would sleep no matter what time of day it was because I had come to find that I could control my dreams. I would have grand adventures with my dream friends, flying and swimming and rescuing people. I didn't want to wake up. Of course I had to wake up and do it all over and over again. 

Then one day a friend of my Father showed up. He was around 21, about 5 years older than me, I hadn't quite turned 16 yet actually it was about a week away. He wasn't a very handsome mand but he also wasn't an ugly one and he was the only guy remotely close to my age that had been near me since I'd left Washington. So, of course I instantly had a crush. I was still being told I was fat, even though I was 5'3 (yes I've been this height since I was 12) and I weighed 120lbs which was not at all fat. I did have D cup breasts already though (also since I was 12). At any rate it came as a great surprise when this guy seemed to also like me. He started coming over frequently and the first opportunity we had to be alone together we both jumped on it. It was innocent enough, we played cards and flirted and talked. It was the first I think I ever talked to someone openly about how much I disliked my home life.  Soon after he asked my father if he could date me, I don't think this was him being old fashioned so much as him knowing how violent my father could be. My father, also to my surprise, said yes. So, we started dating, The time i had spent sleeping became time spent with him. We would take the dogs for walks so we could be alone and makeout. This at least got me some exercise, I suppose.

Not long after though, my father went to jail and my brother, who was living with us and supporting us, couldn't maintain the bills alone. We moved into a motel (I'm not sure how that was more affordable) and I was actually closer to my boyfriend because he lived at a near by motel. (We were poor folk like that) It was a very sketchy neighborhood. I didn't realize until later how much into drugs, pot and meth that is, he was. I lost my virginity to him on my 16th birthday. A year later we were stil dating and my brother & my father's wife kicked me out of the motel room because of a disagreement about a tape recorder. (Yes that is what really happened. They don't remember it that way and seem to think that I "ran away", but that is their own selective memories which can't be great considering they also did drugs.) At any rate I didn't have anywhere to go so I went to my boyfriend's mom's work. I had gotten to know her and she liked me. She got me a job and set up a place for me to stay with my boyfriend who coincidentally had lost his place to stay that same day. We lived in an apartment with out utilities using propane to heat up water for bathing and cooking. He got a job and we eventually, after panhandling and such, found our way into our own apartment. A nice one at that.

I didn't mean this to turn into a life story sorry. At any rate I simply stopped working out. I was working for the first time in my life, enjoying the new found interest of sex and living with a guy I thought I loved and who loved me. He stopped doing drugs at my request and for a time life was good. Then lies started to be revealed he got back into drugs, he became abusive and eventually left me for a 14 year old. Yes by this point he was about 23 and he left me for a 14 year old. No, I am not sorry that we split up.

At any rate, I was on my own for the first time. I became depressed again. I didn't clean, I just brought food home from work, left trash everywhere and focussed my attentions on yet another guy who lived in my apartments and had been friends with the now ex boyfriend. Things got steamy there but it wasnt a relationship and I knew it wasn't love, though I so desperately wanted that. Eventually he went to the miliatary and I went through a series of roommates and living alone but still keeping my job throughout. Until I was fired for something I didn't do. I know people say that but I really didn't do it. 

Anyway Life moved along and I hadn't realized I had gained so much weight. I was suddenly 180lbs. This was still by no means obese but I was definately overweight and when I realized it I was ashamed. I started dressing differently and acting differently. I was out of work so I went back to school at a vocational place called job corps. There my weight fluctuated up to 230lbs and back down to 180lbs by the time I left. I fell in love while I was there and eventually moved in with him. I got a new job at a call center. A sit down job, that became ever increasingly stressful. After 6 years there I had topped out at 270lbs. I had gallbladder attacks frequently as well as kidney stones. I walked everywhere since i never learned to drive and my feet and hips would ache from walking constantly with all my weight. You would think walking 2miles or more a day each way would have helped the weight issue but sitting for 8 or more hours a day apparently more than compensated for that little bit of exercise. I often felt unloved by my boyfriend even though I was convinced he was the one for me and we had been steamy in the beginning. We were best friends and went through a lot of breakup/makeup moments in a very rollercoasterish relationship that has now lasted 8 years and is in a much more stable place. However I'm at my highest weight ever and my boyfriend, who gained weight along with me, has started losing weight at his new job as it requires constant physical labor. I work at a different call center, as it was the only job I could get and I take the bus there because it is far. So I dont get a lot of physical activity besides sex, which is much better this year than previous years I must say.  My boyfriend, who has avoided the subject of marriage after the 2nd year we were together, proposed to me that if I can get down to 170lbs by his birthday July28th 2013 which will be a couple months before I turn 30 then we can get married. Perhaps not the most romantic proposal to some, but it meant a heck of a lot to me that he would even go so far as to say that. It also gave me motivation. 

I will lose the weight. That is why I started this site. 

So I'm using the workout at home log. I am going to add some ab exercises as there seems to only be one and that is my biggest problem area but I will of course be going at a beginner's pace to start but will try to be steadfast in my progress. It is very hard for me to stick to things and stay motivated so I'm hoping this site will help me.

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