Day 1
Starting Weight: 124.5 kgs
Current Weight: 124.5 kgs
Mini Goal: 119.5kgs
Goal: 65 kgs

It has been a long week; one filled with events that have really tested me. In fact, I have a funeral to attend tomorrow. I am not sure how I am going to handle it. And besides the grief, it has reminded me that I need to start taking better care of myself. How does the saying go? "My body is a temple for my soul."

I have finally come off all my medication, especially the ones that had contributed to my massive weight gain. I am battling the traumas from my past, especially the darker ones. And while I am in a pretty good place with healing and strengthening my emotional side, it is time that I start doing the same for my physical side. I mean, at the end of the day, I am not going to be able to do all the things that I want to do in life if I maintain this self-sabotaging life style I live now.

I look at myself at the moment and I am disgusted. I feel repulsive. I feel ugly. I feel unworthy. And how much further can I slip into the mindset that I deserve the current body that I am living with? I am not a bad person. But I don't even eat now. And when I do, I am so disgusted in myself that I can't keep it down. This needs to change. I know it is a psychological thing. And I need to start small. Smoothies are easy to keep down. That is where I will start. I already have. A nice breakfast smoothie.

And I am not of the belief that this will be an easy ride. This is going to challenge me in ways that I have never faced before. This journey scares me. This journey, at times, I doubt if I can do it. But I do have some hope this time, unlike other times. I have an overseas holiday planned. Something just for me. As each week passes of my new healthy lifestyle, more money gets put away for my trip. A reward system that I haven't ever used before. I also have my corkboard sitting on my desk. It has pictures, quotes, reminders, and small knick-knacks that motivate me to keep going. I know it is only day one, but it has helped me take that terrifying but exciting first step. Yes this scares me. It scares me because I don't want to fail. But that is another thing that I am trying to change. You can fail a diet. But you can't fail a healthy life-style change...not really. It happens eventually and slowly. One bad day isn't failure, it's just a rude break that stops with my next meal or my next day.

Baby steps...that is how I am going to deal with this. I am sitting here looking at my calorie journal. 1300 calories for my size? That is what my research says I should be eating. There is no way that I am eating that now. I barely eat at all. So planning a lot in the starting is probably best. I also know that I am VERY unfit. So I need to start slow. 10mins of cardio to start with for this week, and some weights. I just need to get over the fear of the gym. It will have to weight until Tuesday though, as the road trip to the funeral tomorrow is going to take up all of my day.

So...my current plan:
Calorie Intake: 1300
Cardio: Atleast 10 mins 4 days this week min (will aim to increase as fitness grows)
Gym/weights: 4 times this week (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday)
Weigh-in; Sunday (weekly or two-weekly...haven't decided yet)

Quote/motivation for the week.
My vow.
I will respect and honour my body. It is beautiful and able.
I will give it the clean, delicious fuel it craves, when it craves it.
I will let it out to play, letting it strengthen and grow like it deserves.
I will look in the mirror and say 'Thank You'.
Because this body, my body, has brought me to where I am.
And will be there through every drop of sweat, every pounding step, every breath, rep and curl.
Giving me everything it has so I can become the very best version of myself.

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