Group: All Else Lounge

Created: 2011/12/31, Members: 42, Messages: 22740

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On a break

BlakeyBoyR
BlakeyBoyR
Posts: 14
Joined: 2003/04/14
Australia
2003/06/09, 05:02 AM
My girlfriend of over 2.5 years told me on Friday night she "wants a break" because she needs to sort her life out and her head out and shes not sure if she loves me anymore.
I am totally shattered, I love her more than anything on this earth, she is everything to me. I know she hasnt dumped me, but she has really hurt me by doing this. She said she is doing it to try and keep us together, but Im not sure how true that is.
On one hand I love her so much, on the other there is things about her that need to change ... really change. I suppose the question is now, if she wants me back then do I want HER back ? As i said, I am madly in love with her, but she has hurt me so much and she does need to sort a lot out.
I am so confused and hurt, I dont know what to do ..
gwindalyn
gwindalyn
Posts: 434
Joined: 2003/01/15
United States
2003/06/09, 07:44 AM
First of all...

*hugs*

Re-read your post when you have had time to calm down and reflect. You say that there are things about her that need to change, and you are questioning whether you want her back. I think you answered your own question on what to do.

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~Jennifer
http://www.gwindalyn.com
If you dont stand for something, you will fall for anything.
drio
drio
Posts: 288
Joined: 2003/04/22
United States
2003/06/09, 02:49 PM
My sympathies BlakeyBoyR. Try to keep your chin up. I would do your best to give her space. (it's hard I know) Try to avoid doing the sycho ex-boyfriend thing.. that will certianly doom things. If she sees you being a strong individual, I think it would make returning more appealing. If, as Gwindalyn pointed out, that is what you want.

This reminds me of one of my ex's from college. (4 year relationship) We loved eachother madly, but were horribly damaging to eachother. Near the end.. she "wanted space" then came whimpering back to me shortly after. At which point I realized I was a much better person without her. I know that's probably hard for you to imagine right now. Good luck friend.

*gives ya a "guy" punch in the shoulder*

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Dont wait! Procrastinate NOW! =)
jefado
jefado
Posts: 443
Joined: 2003/04/03
United States
2003/06/09, 02:59 PM
***Bear Hug****

This is what I like to call Tough Love:
I've learned that when you love someone, you want to see them happy....And sometimes that means letting them go.
jefado
jefado
Posts: 443
Joined: 2003/04/03
United States
2003/06/09, 03:15 PM
A feeling I know pretty well....

Slightly different but along the same vein:

I placed a child for adoption MANY moons ago...
I breastfed him in the hospital to give him the colostrum and spent every hour that I could with him....looking upon his tiny face made me feel like I could ride a comet...

I could barely walk out of the hospital on my own legs because every maternal and -selfish- vein in my body wanted me to take him ....

So, I know what Tough Love feels like... **another Big Bear Hug***....And you're going to be all right.

Who knows...she may find her way back to you when you are both ready...

BlakeyBoyR
BlakeyBoyR
Posts: 14
Joined: 2003/04/14
Australia
2003/06/09, 09:22 PM
First of all thanks, Im not dealing with it very well so its good to have some advice from people with a couple of years on me. Youre right about me having said some things need to change, and maybe she can do that with me ? I mean I am so in love with her, I am only 19 but seriously saw us together in 5 years time ... maybe even longer.
One thing I AM scared of, is if she does dump me or whatever, I dont think anyone else will want me. Thats not to say I would stay with her just because Im scared NOT to be, but still ... its something that occurred to me.
bigdawg032
bigdawg032
Posts: 13
Joined: 2002/01/24
United States
2003/06/09, 11:36 PM
If you love something let it go if it comes back it's yours if it doesn't it never was...

Blakely try to go by those words. I know it's hard to do that but if it is meant to be everything will work out for you. Just give her time and her space. Just don't pressure her. You know how you feel and as long as she knows it's up to her to see what she wants to do. Don't be thinking if things don't work out that no one else will want you. You're still real young and have all kinds of time to find someone. I'm not much older than you and had the same problem. Got all into this one girl who I saw myself with for a long time but it went down hill. It was real hard at first but now I'll feel good. You just have to find some things that will take your mind off of her and go from there. Just don't let her get you down where you start to feel about towards your self or start neglecting your self. You'll be fine man believe me it will just take some time.
drio
drio
Posts: 288
Joined: 2003/04/22
United States
2003/06/09, 11:57 PM
jefado =( *HUG*
tarab21
tarab21
Posts: 508
Joined: 2003/03/31
United States
2003/06/10, 12:18 AM
Hey, I had the EXACT same thing happen around christmas time. I'm 19, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years said he "needed some time" and wasn't sure if we'd be back together or not. The time apart was hard but also extremely beneficial. I learned to be happy with myself and not rely on somebody else. It was great to have that security of being okay independently. I was also able to do a lot of thinking on what I wanted in life in general. What kept me going was reminding myself "I'm still alive and kicking, have my family, friends, and whole life in front of me.. etc etc" rather than focusing on the negatives. Then when he came back a month later I felt much better about the relationship as I made personal growths.

Take care!
azredhead57
azredhead57
Posts: 1,651
Joined: 2003/04/11
United States
2003/06/10, 12:22 AM
<-----giving jefado an additional big hug. I think that is one of the most generous and noble decisions a woman can make. And it's great that you feel able to talk about it. So many women feel like it's taboo. Kudos to you jefado.

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~Victoria~
...Some things have to be believed to be seen!
2003/06/10, 07:26 AM
This is amazing....I almost posted the exact same thing a few days ago. And I mean the exact same thing....2.5 years, feelings changed, need some time, etc. I was really hurt by it and freaking out, but the only thing you really can do is let them go for now. You're only going to make it worse if you try to hang on too much, so try to give her the space she needs. If someone else comes along during that "break," don't push them away. You're probably better off anyway. Unfortunately, I guess this is a part of being young; not everyone has grown up as much as others.

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OSU Law Rugby....specializing in personal injury and pain & suffering.
gwindalyn
gwindalyn
Posts: 434
Joined: 2003/01/15
United States
2003/06/10, 08:05 AM
============
Quoting from BlakeyBoyR:

First of all thanks, Im not dealing with it very well so its good to have some advice from people with a couple of years on me. Youre right about me having said some things need to change, and maybe she can do that with me ? I mean I am so in love with her, I am only 19 but seriously saw us together in 5 years time ... maybe even longer.
One thing I AM scared of, is if she does dump me or whatever, I dont think anyone else will want me. Thats not to say I would stay with her just because Im scared NOT to be, but still ... its something that occurred to me.
=============

First, stop thinking that way. You have lost 1/3 of your goal!! If you can do that, you can do ANYTHING!

Next, from what you've said, it sounds like you are dependant upon her. Like drio said, sometimes even though you love someone deeply, the best thing is to let them go. You are a strong person. If you can make it through what you have for a lifestyle change with weight watchers, then you can make it through this.

Tell her you respect her decision and will give her the break she needs. Tell her you love her, and you will always be there to listen if she wants to talk. Then separate yourself from her and give it time.

Set goals just like you do with losing weight. First, go 1 week without talking to her. Then 2 weeks. Then 3. Then a month.

I think you will find that you need the time also. It will allow you to reflect upon yourself, concentrate on yourself, and figure out what is best for YOU.

When you take a flight, during the emergency instructions, there is a reason they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before helping others with theirs.

You must take care of you first and think of you first. If you can't love yourself, have confidence in yourself, and be happy with yourself, then you can't expect someone else to also.

So no more talk about being down on yourself. :) You can do anything that you put your mind to. You already proved that to yourself with the weight you have lost! And you CAN do this. It just takes time.

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~Jennifer
http://www.gwindalyn.com
If you dont stand for something, you will fall for anything.
azredhead57
azredhead57
Posts: 1,651
Joined: 2003/04/11
United States
2003/06/10, 01:56 PM
Concentrate on your fitness program. Throw yourself into it. Everytime you feel like you need to call her do some push-ups, or dbcurls. Then no matter how it turns out just think how great you'll be looking <wink, wink>!

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~Victoria~
...Some things have to be believed to be seen!
dschofield
dschofield
Posts: 7
Joined: 2003/03/30
United Kingdom
2003/06/10, 03:56 PM
For all those that posted about relationships that broke up after 2.5 years - I saw some research recently that suggested that after 2-3 years in a relationship, the production of hormones in the brain changes, which can lead to people changing their perception of the relationship and their feelings for their partner (I can't remember the exact hormones). It is statistically the most common time for a long term relationship to break up.

Having been there (long time ago now), it was hard for a long time, but I spent the time doing things I wouldn't have been able to within the relationship and eventually I met someone and we've now been together for 10 years and still going strong.
drio
drio
Posts: 288
Joined: 2003/04/22
United States
2003/06/10, 08:53 PM
Hey that is so interesting! I've used the 3 year mark as a measure for relationships for a long time. (being teased by friends often) I've just noticed that often times, after 3 years, either a relationship works or doesn't. I'm so happy there's actually some scientific proof out there! =) Any idea where you saw that article?

Oh and regarding azredhead's comment above. Oh boy she's quite right. I bet a bad breakup is what landed half of us where we are today. (being fitness fanatics) Then we just got hooked somehow... either way.. I couldn't be happier now!

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Dont wait! Procrastinate NOW! =)
BlakeyBoyR
BlakeyBoyR
Posts: 14
Joined: 2003/04/14
Australia
2003/06/11, 10:59 PM
Well I lost another 1kg this week, thats 13 now ... 30 or so more to go :p
BlakeyBoyR
BlakeyBoyR
Posts: 14
Joined: 2003/04/14
Australia
2003/06/11, 11:00 PM
Oh, and she said she'd call me by the end of the week (that was last Friday), well it's Thursday now ... still no word :(
gsolis
gsolis
Posts: 39
Joined: 2003/05/27
United States
2003/06/11, 11:52 PM
This is my first day as a member and i find all this very interesting, all different messages and topics. to blakekyboyR i say, get over it! If things are not definte, then you are better off with them.
dahayz
dahayz
Posts: 794
Joined: 2002/05/08
United States
2003/06/12, 07:07 AM
Well, I have to admit, I agree with gsolis. The last thing I will let happen to me is SOMEBODY else determining what happens in my life, and blake, that is what you are doing. Take control of YOUR life and do not ever let ANYBODY push you around.