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2003/08/21, 04:39 AM
: How do men exercise at the beach?A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a young woman in a bikini.
Q: What is the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?A: Put the remote control between his toes
Marriage joke (8)
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable. One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband. Lesson: - Always keep your condoms in the car.
The amazing Martinez
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, now we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
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CIA Joke
The CIA had a special mission for a special agent. After an intensive program of selection, there was a shortlist of three top agents – two men and one woman. They were taken to a secret location for the final stage of the selection process.
In the reception room, they faced three locked and windowless rooms. The first agent – a man - was told: “We have to be sure that you will do whatever we tell you to do. Here’s a gun. In that first room, you will find your wife seated, blindfold and handcuffed. Kill her!” The man looked incredibly shocked and insisted: “There’s no way I could kill my wife”. He was told; “Then you’re not the man for this job. Leave here and never say anything about what you have seen”.
The second man was given the same instructions in relation to the second room. He entered the room and, for a long time, there was silence. Then he came out, his eyes streaming with tears. “I tried to do it”, he said, “but I just couldn’t”. “Then you haven’t got what it takes”, he was told. “Go immediately and forget you ever applied for this job”.
There was only the female agent left and she was told that her husband was in the last room. She went in as instructed. At first there was silence. Then there was a loud bang, then another, then yet another. Next there was loud shouting, fierce screaming and incredible banging. Finally the woman emerged from the room wiping the sweat from her face. “That damn gun was full of blanks”, she screamed. “I had to kill him with the chair
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking lamp. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. “For releasing me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. “But there’s a catch,” the Genie continued. “What catch?” asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for”.
“Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man. “Then what is your first wish?” asked the Genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. “Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie. “What is your next wish?” “I could really use a million dollars ... “ replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the Genie reminded the man. “Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man. “And what is your final wish?” asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney ... .”
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