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2003/11/24, 11:07 PM
Anyone with a good joke that can be posted, I could use a good laugh.
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I will lift my own weight someday!!!!!
Lifted 135lbs on July 1, 2003, I did it!! WOOOO WOOOOOO
THE NATURAL WAY IS THE ONLY TRUE PATH TO SUCCESS, PRIDE, JOY, HAPPINESS, LONG TERM FULFILLMENT AND SELF-ESTEEM!
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2003/11/24, 11:44 PM
Did you hear about the horse that walked into the bar? The bartender says, why the long face??
Ok, how about the duck who goes into a drug store and asks for chapstick. Just put it on my bill he says....:>}}
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If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything....
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2003/11/25, 04:11 AM
2 guys walk into a bar *bam, bam*......... the third one ducked.
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Michael
Trample the weak; hurdle the dead!
Chaos, Panic, Disorder.... Yes, my work here is done!
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2003/11/25, 09:19 AM
3-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the guy who shot my pa..."
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2003/11/25, 09:25 AM
Did you hear about the king who was stranded on an island with no one but his court jester? Within one week he was at his wit's end.
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2003/11/25, 09:26 AM
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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2003/11/25, 09:31 AM
Shy kid walks up to a cute girl in the library and asks, "Umm, so, uh, do you like Kipling?"
"Silly boy," she replies, "...I've never kipled."
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2003/11/25, 09:33 AM
Why cannibals don't eat clowns...
They taste funny.
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2003/11/25, 09:34 AM
Man you are lame! LOL
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LIFT HEAVY! BECOME STRONG, LIKE BULL!
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2003/11/25, 11:52 AM
Just to let you know; I tried to think of a clean joke, and thought so long and hard and intense; that now there is some kind of liquid coming out of my right ear.
Sorry-I cannot think of a clean joke...I am so, bad!!
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2003/11/25, 12:08 PM
I will say sorry right away....
There was this old old lady that always wanted to join the local motorcycle gang; she new where the leader of this gang lived. She decided to ride her motorcycle to his house, and ask to be part of his gang.
She knocked on the door, and this big burly guys answers, asking what the heck(censored) she wanted.
She stated that she had always wanted to join his gang.
He laughed; (but decided to entertain her) and stated that there are a few things that she has to have, or do before she can join.
She stated; like what?
He replied; first you have to have a motorcycle, do you have one?
She pointed to the curb where her motorcycle was, and stated; brand new Harley.
He laughed; ok, you have to smoke and drink. Do you smoke and drink.
She replied; I could drink any man under the table, and I smoke 3 packs a day, and 2 cigars when I'm playing pool..
All right he said...One more questions! Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
She thought long and hard......hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
She answered; NO,
but I have been grabbed by my nipples and twirled around a couple of times...
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2003/11/25, 12:12 PM
Sandy , go a little further down this topic and read the "picking on blondes" thread.
Just because you are paranoid does not mean everyones not after you.
What did the masochist say to the sadist?
hurt me , hurt me.
What did the sadist say to the masochist?
no
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2003/11/25, 12:17 PM
I guess you should read most of intruders posts here too. the one about "now thats drunk" isn't for polite company but is funny.
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Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
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2003/11/25, 12:31 PM
Airplane Restroom
Two voices-male and female,
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This ones empty--no ones looking--you go in first."
"Its a bit cramped--let me sit down."
"Have you got the condom? Quick put it on."
Sniff, sniff
"Ah, perfume-- you think of everything."
"This is great--- a long sigh!!!"
All at once there is static on the intercom speaker--
"This is the Captain speaking, those two people in the rear restroom, we know what you are doing, and it is strictly forbidden by the FAA regulations.
Now put out those cigarettes, and take the condom off the smoke detector!"
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Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
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2003/11/25, 12:33 PM
The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better
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Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
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2003/11/25, 02:26 PM
What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom?
You're a fun-gi.
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2003/11/25, 03:16 PM
What did Mrs. Bullet say to Mr. Bullet?
...were going to have a bb........
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2003/11/25, 03:16 PM
Thanks, I got a laugh, but Rev, sorry I don't understand the one you posted, Care to explain??????
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I will lift my own weight someday!!!!!
Lifted 135lbs on July 1, 2003, I did it!! WOOOO WOOOOOO
THE NATURAL WAY IS THE ONLY TRUE PATH TO SUCCESS, PRIDE, JOY, HAPPINESS, LONG TERM FULFILLMENT AND SELF-ESTEEM!
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2003/11/25, 03:47 PM
It's a play on the infamous joke prefix, but takes it literally: Two guys run head first into a bar; not a drinking location, but something like a pipe, so the third guy avoids it.
Here's another-
A guy wanted to get away from it all, so he goes to a genetic enigeer and has a clone of himself made. So, the Dr makes it. The guy goes off into the wilderness, and the clone goes to the guy's home, work, etc. After a few months, the guy decides it's time to come back to reality. But the Dr reminds the guy that there cannot be 2 of him, so he will have to "kill" the clone. So, as the guy goes around town looking for his clone, he runs into a co-worker, who advises him that he really needs to stop being so vulgar, with all of the cursing and sexual harassment. Now, of course, it's not him doing this but the clone. So, finally, he finds the clone, takes him to the top of a building, and pushes the clone to his death. When the guy comes down, he is surrounded by the police. One cop says "Sorry, sir, but you're under arrest." The guy says "For what!? Killing a clone is not murder." And the cop says "Not for murder, sir............But for making an obscene clone fall!"
I'm sorry, but I just love puns.... Stop the pun-ishment!!
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Michael
Trample the weak; hurdle the dead!
Chaos, Panic, Disorder.... Yes, my work here is done!
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2003/11/25, 04:00 PM
Thanks Rev, I shifted the air in my brain, I get it now:)
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I will lift my own weight someday!!!!!
Lifted 135lbs on July 1, 2003, I did it!! WOOOO WOOOOOO
THE NATURAL WAY IS THE ONLY TRUE PATH TO SUCCESS, PRIDE, JOY, HAPPINESS, LONG TERM FULFILLMENT AND SELF-ESTEEM!
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2003/11/25, 07:33 PM
Ok, this guy is sitting at the bar in a 40th story high rise penthouse. A new guy comes in, sits down by him and strikes up a conversation. Says how bored he is, no excitement in life. Well, the first guy says, you want some real excitement, I found the biggest rush! I jump out this window(40th floor), free fall to about the 10th floor, and there is this incredible draft that swooshes me back up to the window here on the 40th floor. Well, of course, the first guy says no way, so he says watch, jumps out the window, and sure enough, about the 10th floor, a big whoosh and whips him right back up to the window. WEll, the other guy is amazed, but still skeptical. So, the first guy does it again. Whoosh, the same thing. So, the second guy is game, loves a rush, jumps out the window, and of course slpats on the ground below. The bartender says to the first guy, Superman, you sure can be an asshole when you are drinking!
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If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything....
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2003/11/26, 10:54 PM
Here's a Superman joke for you but you have to use your imagination a bit. So Superman is flying around one day checking out planet earth with his Super X-ray vision. Off in the distance he sees Wonderwoman alone, in the nude, sunbathing on the beach. Superman thinks to himself, "I could use my Super fast speed and fly down there, get busy with Wonder Woman and no one would see me. In the blink of an eye I'll be gone." It sounded like a good plan so off he goes. WHAM, BAM, BOOM, gone! Wonderwoman all flushed goes, "WOW, what was that?" And the invisible man said, "I don't know but something just tore my a__ up."
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2003/11/26, 11:05 PM
Sorry about that one. Guy has an accident and wakes up in of all places-hell. He can't believe it and is going out of his mind. He's walking around bewildered and runs into this fellow. "Man, this has to be a mistake, I can't be here, this is awful." Other guy says, "It's not that bad really. You like to drink?" The other guy says, "Well yeah, I love to.""Great, on Mondays we drink all day long. You'll love it. You like drugs?" Guy says,"heck yeah.""Great, on Tuesdays we do drugs all day long. Are you gay?" Guy says,"No!" The other fellow says,"Well, you probably won't like Wednesdays."
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2003/11/27, 12:12 AM
I am a terrible joke teller, never can remember them after I hear them or I just tell them wrong. Thanks everyone, this thread has made me smile and given me lots of good laughs. :)
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I will lift my own weight someday!!!!!
Lifted 135lbs on July 1, 2003, I did it!! WOOOO WOOOOOO
THE NATURAL WAY IS THE ONLY TRUE PATH TO SUCCESS, PRIDE, JOY, HAPPINESS, LONG TERM FULFILLMENT AND SELF-ESTEEM!
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2003/11/28, 01:45 AM
This girl tells this guy, "I bought you a card again," and he says, "Sorry, I don't wear sweaters."
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--There are no versions of the truth.--
Jeff Goldblum, Jurassic Park II
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2003/11/29, 03:28 PM
Two little kids...
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers
next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says,"I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous." The firstkid says, "You've got nothing
to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I
had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
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2003/11/29, 03:30 PM
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE.
I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.
I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.
SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE.
SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.
I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
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2003/11/30, 12:26 AM
TEE HEE!
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--There are no versions of the truth.--
Jeff Goldblum, Jurassic Park II
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2003/12/01, 01:03 AM
LMAO, That was good!!!!!!!:) :) :)
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I will lift my own weight someday!!!!!
Lifted 135lbs on July 1, 2003, I did it!! WOOOO WOOOOOO
THE NATURAL WAY IS THE ONLY TRUE PATH TO SUCCESS, PRIDE, JOY, HAPPINESS, LONG TERM FULFILLMENT AND SELF-ESTEEM!
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2003/12/02, 05:51 PM
A MN trapper made a call to the Iowa DNR to find out if there was any special thing he had to do if he had accidentally trapped one of their coyotes in MN. The game warden was confused on how he could identify a coyote from their state and asked the trapper why he thought it was from Iowa.
"Well", the trapper said, "the poor thing has already chewed off three of it's legs and it's still caught in my trap."
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"Get everthing you want--just make a little change now"
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2003/12/03, 12:37 PM
A man driving down a country road notices a 3-legged chicken running along side his car, matching speed. Shocked, the driver speeds up, but the chicken keeps up. Finally, the chicken passes the driver, then heads down another dirt road in a cloud of dust to an old farm house. Intrigued, the driver pulls up to the farm house, where he sees an old famer sitting on the front porch, chewing on a blade of grass and whittling. The driver asks about the 3-legged chicken, and the farmer replies in a slow country drawl, “Yep, he’s mine. I breed ‘em that way – 3 legs per chicken means more money.” Completely amazed, the driver pauses and then asks, “Well, how do they taste?” “Don’t know” said the farmer, “...ain’t caught one yet...”
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2003/12/04, 11:29 AM
These had me laughing out loud this morning....
He said . . . "I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it."
She said.... "You wear pants don't you?"
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He said . . ."Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said...."That's a good idea-you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart!"
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He said . . ."What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?"
She said . . ."Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"
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Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
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Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
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Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
A. A widow.
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Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says:
"So you would love her." The man says, "But, God, why did you make her
so dumb?" God says:"So she would love you."
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Living well is the best revenge.
Charlie
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2003/12/04, 12:03 PM
Clever Signs
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
We're #1 in the #2 business."
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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2003/12/08, 12:11 AM
Geez, I'm gone a couple weeks and look what I missed. Very funny everyone. I too needed a good laugh. Glad to see you back Sandy.
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~Victoria~
...Do not be discouraged; everyone who got where he is, started where he was.--anon
...There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.--Beverly Sills
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