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2004/04/23, 04:00 PM
Hey guys. I am like a sister to my husbands younger sister, and she talks to me about lots of stuff. She is 17, and has been with her b/f for a year. A few nights ago she called me and told me she had had sex with her b/f for the first time on Spring Break. She made me promise not to tell her parents or my husband, and I agreed. My problem is, since she told me, it's all I can think about. Personally I don't think it was a good decision, and I think her parents should know. My husband and I had a baby outside of marriage, and their older sister is pregnant right now outside of marriage. Aside from that, I do not like, nor want to lie to my husband, as I think any type of lieing can ruin a relationship...so here's where I ask, what should I do??? :(
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2004/04/23, 04:09 PM
Geesh. Really, I'd talk to her and see if she is on the pill. WHY people don't go on it - beats me......it beats having a baby that you can't afford! I would talk to her to see if she is on BC and if not.....tell her if she is going to continuing on.............she needs that protection and talk to her about what happened to you. She confided in you...why break that trust and have her possibly hate you. She probably will listen to you. Make sure you tell her to be smart about who she goes to bed with at this age...that she can only ruin her reputation if she starts "sleeping around" so to speak. We all know that to have a real solid relationship with someone - you DON"T have to sleep with them when THEY are READY.
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2004/04/23, 04:54 PM
She is on the depo shot, and I think the reason why she slept with her b/f is because she knew she had that protection. She is on it for medical reasons, but I don't think she would have slept with him if she wasn't on it. I told her I didn't think it was smart to do(in the past she and her b/f have both had problems with being faithful) and I told her it could make things very complicated as she is still in her senior year of high school. She knows what happened to me, and when she called to talk to me, it was because she was scared she was pregnant. I think that is her guilt talking to her, but who knows. I guess really, I know it is up to her to tell her parents, but if for some outrageously weird reason my husband asks something along those lines, would it be totally wrong for me to tell him? What is worse, breaking a promise or lieing to your husband??
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2004/04/23, 05:18 PM
I think that depends on what you tell your sister in law. I would make it clear in the future that you are not willing to keep secrets from you husband as that is your primary relationship and it is to hard for you. That being said, you'll have to play it by ear on this one. If you feel that here activities are risky than you should do what your conscience tells you to do. Either way you should be sure to impress on her that no form of oral or hormonal contraception is going to protect her from STD's. In the future she needs to insist that her partner wear a condom, or she can use an female condom. As for your husband on this one, I wouldn't lie. If you want to keep your sister-n-laws confidence, simply say that you are not at liberty to discuss that subject if he brings it up. Your husband has to have respect for you as well.
Well, there is my 1/2 cent.
Daniel
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2004/04/23, 09:00 PM
That is a toughy..a promise is a promise so you stand to loose her trust in you if you do share this with your husband, or the other family members involved...and, being that she turned to you in the beginning means that she does trust you.
If I were you, I would sit her down and talk to her about your experiences with premarital sex and be the guide that I think she was hoping to have by coming to you. In a sense, it's too late now, it has already been done and setting off the fire alarms will not impede the sexual activity, I mean, I honestly don't believe that once you become sexually active that you can go back to holding hands.
And if you feel strongly about the trust between you and your other family members, I think you should make it clear to her that you will not lie to your husband or anyone else for that matter..that you won't "tell" but you will not lie either. Let it be known that if they ask you straight out, that you will tell the truth but that her secret is otherwise safe with you.
Hard spot to be in CristalBelle, I hope the right way to handle this comes to you easily.
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2004/04/24, 04:14 PM
Don't break the promise. She confides in you and let it stay that way. Do have a talk with her though with regards to safe sex etc, and that you cannot will not lie.. She loves you.
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"A will finds a way, failure is not an option"
Ivan
carivan@freetrainers.com
Montreal Canada
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2004/04/25, 04:46 PM
Daniel got it right. When you are asked to keep a secret, always be clear about who you can and cannot keep it from, then it is up to the other person to confide in you or not. It is near impossible to tell a 17 yr old anything, even when they ask for advice. Do you remember yourself taking advice from anyone else? Tell her what you think she should know and hope she makes the right decision. If you feel like keeping it from your husband is going to drive you crazy, tell her that you are not comfortable keeping it from your husband and that it puts you in a bad place with him. Ask her if you can tell him.
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~Victoria~
...Do not be discouraged; everyone who got where he is, started where he was.--anon
...There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.--Beverly Sills
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2004/04/26, 10:16 AM
I'm with carivan. You kinda already made this promise without making it clear that you wouldn't be able to keep it from your husband. Don't break this promise...just in the future clarify that you share stuff with your husband etc.
Second...as far as young/premarital sex...here's my take. Make sure she is educated in safe sex no matter what. Make sure you explain everything about condoms, BC, diaphragms etc. I mean even that you can contract most Venerial diseases without even orgasms...just contact with that area. Point out that you can get a disease even using condoms because many STDs are transferred by the sweat/juices around the genitals.
I'm 19. I started having sex when i was 17. My parents still do not know to my knowledge. They probably just don't want to admit it. I've had sex with two people. Each of whom i trusted greatly, and we talked about risks etc before doing it. I still do not have any STDs. And ive been damned safe about having sex. The one time i made a mistake, the scare was so bad i learned never to take a risk like that again. And you know what the mistake was? Panicking. The condom broke just as i ejaculated. I knew all the proper things to do. Morning after pill (MAP), i had used spermicidal lubricant, etc. And one month later, like clock work she had her period.
I had been educating myself since i was 14. Not necessarily trying to educate myself for sex...i would just read things in menshealth or other such sources. I also read a lot from my mother's old nursing books...why? i was curious. Now i know that curiosity is what prepared me best for everything that i have made a decision on since. I thought i'd never have sex before marriage, but when i did...i made damned sure i knew what i was doing. And not just sex...i made damned sure about all forms of sexual contact. Some would have called me 'odd' for wanting to read such things, but i KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, its helped me greatly in my life to make an educated decision rather than a 'snap' hormonal decision to do something stupid and rush into it without a clue.
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2004/04/26, 11:01 AM
CristalBelle, I have no kids so I have no advice as to what to tell kids about sex. On the other hand, I have a very successful marriage that is in its 24th year. When these kind of confidential situations have come up my wife and I never ever leave each other out of the loop. I have faith that I can tell my wife anything and she will respect a promise I've made to another no matter how hard it is for her. It works both ways.
I would have to tell my wife about the situation and trust her to maintain my promise for me.
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2004/04/26, 02:28 PM
Charlie raises an excellent point...despite my post. My parents are the same way (married i think like 27 yrs now). They share all the 'secrets' with each other...and they would both take them to the grave.
I meant i wouldn't break the promise by telling her parents, and if you told your spouse...make sure he wouldn't tell either...nor would he freak out...cause thats when youd lose her trust and friendship.
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2004/04/26, 02:39 PM
Ok, yesterday she and had a few seconds alone, and I asked the BIG question, did they use a condom? Yes they did. I also asked her if it was everything she had ever dreamed of when it came to losing her virginity. She said yes it was. I WILL NOT tell her parents that she has become sexuall active. It's not my place as it is her life and that she asked me not to. However, tonight I am going to talk to my husband about it, making sure that he knows it was told to me confidence, so not to say anything to parents, older sister, or to the sister in question about it. I cannot stand lieing about anything, and to me keeping secrets is one step away from doing that, which is why this has been such a dramatic thing for me. I appreciate all of your help, and for most part, feel I will be doing what is right. :)
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