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2004/04/29, 03:01 PM
This week, I am not working out. Yesterday I decided I would not be working out, and told my husband. I don't know what made me decide that, or why, but thats the way it goes. I think I am tired? No...I know what it is. I am tired of dealing with my husband lieing to me about smoking. Ever think you have 70$ in checking only to find out at the end of the month that you only have 20$. That has been happening to me for the entire 9 months we have been married. He hides it from me because he is ashamed, but it leads to arguments, and me getting emotionally exhasted. I took away his debit and credit card, and this week has been ok..but I am just pooped. Sorry all, just needed to get it out of my head.
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2004/04/29, 03:19 PM
Did he smoke when you married him?
Why are you treating a grown man like a child by taking away his debit and credit cards? How do imagine that makes him feel about himself? More importantly, how do you imagine it makes him feel about you?
You know he smokes and you know it's an addiction so why are you surprised that he's spending money on cigarettes?
If you want him to quit smoking, help him instead of harping at him and making him feel like a failure. If you can be supportive of the people on this site who you don't even know, you can surely be supportive of someone you do know and love who obviously need your help.
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Anni
*******
Have you hugged your EFAs today?
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2004/04/29, 03:32 PM
Cristalbelle, my wife used to hound me about smoking! Even though I never smoked around the house she still hounded me.
It got on my nerves and made me smoke more. She even used to hide them or trash them. That didn't make me quit. Give your husband back his cards and as long as you know that he has the addiction help him out. But don't nag him or deprive him. Suggest to him that if he continues to smoke, both of you will have to sacrifice something that you both value. He shouldn't lie to you, or sneak money, but then again just make a budget that includes the smokes. Help him quit, get back to the gym, and you will be better off. Cigarrettes are legal crack! Give him time.
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"A will finds a way, failure is not an option"
Ivan
carivan@freetrainers.com
Montreal Canada
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2004/04/29, 03:38 PM
He didn't smoke when I married him, he started smoking when he started his new job, he only smoked at work. Didn't smoke on the weekends or on weekdays when I was home with him. (also, he is only 19..don't know if that matters)
I took away his debit card and credit card because he told me to. We are both in agreement that him not telling me he was buying cigarettes, and causing us to not be able to pay our bills, is not ok, and that then lieing to me and saying he was not smoking isn't ok.
We have no money to get him patches or pills, so I am buying him gum to help. And as an example yesterday he told me "today I went to buy a pack, and realized I didn't have my debit card so I couldn't" I asked him if he did have his debit card, would he have told me he bought a pack, and he said "Probably not" That right there is the problem.
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2004/04/29, 03:48 PM
Also, thought I should add that the reason why smoking is a big deal to me is because my dad died of lung cancer when I was 10 years old due to smoking. And, I have told my husband if he smokes thats his issue, but lieing to me about it, and using up 50-60$ a month that we need to use for bills and not telling me about it is my issue.
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2004/04/29, 03:49 PM
Maybe you buy the pack, and give him so many per day, but still keep the cards. Budget the cigs in. I dunno, just a thought.
Explain to him that the longer he smokes the harder it will be to quit. And be respnsible by paying bills first. But not in a nagging way.
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"A will finds a way, failure is not an option"
Ivan
carivan@freetrainers.com
Montreal Canada
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2004/04/30, 03:39 AM
You need to give him another interest.... You can tell him a hundred of times that he should stop smoking, but if he doesn't want to do it himself then noway that he'll stop.
Suggest him to go out for a small walk every time he feels like smoking, drinking some water or tea, doing some push ups, writing you a letter etc
Something that DOESN'T cost any money and that will make him think about something else as well...
Good luck!
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- Nina :o) Les Victoires éternelles sont celles du coeur.
www.nme-pro.com
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2004/04/30, 09:03 AM
Cristalbelle - does he workout with you? Can he workout with you? Try to replace his smoking habit with healthy, enjoyable habits.
This struggle is hard, but he is very young and wil be better off quitting now.
Is he going through a rebellion phase? It is odd that he started smoking at work. Why did he start Is he unhappy at work? At home?
I know I sound like I am discussing a child or teen, but, honestly, at nineteen he is still a teenager and hasn;t fully figured out who he is or what he wants to be. There is so much growing up still to do at 19. I am in my 30's and just starting to feel like I can fully let go of my 20s and be a real grownup. Do you know what I mean?
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If you fall down seven times, get up eight.
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2004/04/30, 11:51 AM
I do know what you mean. He started smoking when he was 13, and when he was injured at 15 he stopped. At his job, all of the guys he works with smoke, and it got him started up again. He does not work out with me. He doesn't feel like taking the time away from his computer games. I belive that he has already gone through his rebellion phase, and I honestly think that he started smoking again so he could fit in with the guys at his work. He is the youngest one of them, and I think he wanted to make friends and chose to do it in the wrong way. Not only was he buying cigs for himself and not telling me, but he would also buy packs for them as well.
He loves fishing, and I would love to have him go fishing as a healthy replacement, but the guy he goes fishing with smokes as well. Honestly it's not the smoking that bugs me, its the lieing, and he won't sto lieing until he stops smoking...so far he has gone 3 days with no cigs. Just have to keep him stocked up on mint gum until he gets unaddicted.
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2004/04/30, 12:28 PM
LOL I'm sorry but this post kinda cracks me up. . . not because it's funny but just thinking about myself and my hubby. . . I smoked for 9.5 years. . . it took my hubby nagging at me for 4 years for me to finally get sick of it and actually quit. . . I did it cold turkey and totally not really meaning to, just wanted to shut him up for a few days :big_smile: Anywho, 9 months later we laugh about it, he used to do the same things to me that you all have said: hiding my debit cards, rationing my cigarettes, hiding my cartons on me, he even took them to work with him once <he works in a locked "vault" that you need a TS clearance to enter>. . . I used to get so mad at him about it but now I thank him. Smoking is a horrible addiction but it can be overcome, don't give in if he gets mad. . . it's for his own good, healthwise and moneywise, to quit!
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Love me as I am . . .
Let me worry about how I look!
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2004/04/30, 12:33 PM
BTW sorry I didn't include this earlier. . . Praise his efforts, 3 days w/o the cigarettes is a very BIG step!!! Congratulate him and just remind him that it does get better and the cravings do go away. . . there are lots of ways to "fit in" with the guys and I hope he can find a more healthy way of doing so!!!
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Love me as I am . . .
Let me worry about how I look!
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2004/04/30, 12:35 PM
As one who is in day 3 of quitting, I have a different take. If you hid my debit card and nagged me I would be tempted to use duct tape and a cardboard box on you and mail you back to your mommy....postage due.
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There\'s no joy in mudville.
Charlie
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2004/04/30, 12:47 PM
NoNoNo...HE told me to take away the debit card and credit card so that he wouldn't be able to buy them. I don't think you realize how serious this has been. There were 2-3 months where we couldn't pay our bills because he was buying them to smoke at work and not telling me. We live paycheck to paycheck, so even 10$ is a lot of money to us. And like I said before, he goes the entire weekend without one cig, he ONLY smokes at work. But, 3 days is a big deal, I know that, and last night I told him I was proud of him and bought him a new pack of gum. I don't consider that nagging.
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2004/05/14, 06:56 PM
CristalB: I hear you, & there are 2 things you can do. First off I know he's young but if he loves you enough to marry you he should take into consideration the issue you have about your dad. This is hard you're both young and still in the "I do what I want" phase, maybe he's not ready for the responsibility or comprises that come with marriage. I had this problem with my fiance', we started dating when we were 25, he drank, smoked and did drugs (found out after I fell in love) and I didn't approve. I had a 1yr old & didn't want that in my life. Well he wasn't ready to quit & lied about it constently. Even his friends would lie for him, it was hell (when it came up) & he finally, quit smkg pot 1yr later, and other drugs kept going on/off until just last year, he still smokes and drinks everyday, but not excessively but still I worry about his health. Mind you its been 8yrs. So...you can leave him or give him the support, yet be strong don't let down just because he's not ready, he'll come around if he loves you enough. Sometimes its just the people he's with that make it worse. I found that to be a huge contrabution to my fiance's habits. Good Luck!
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2004/05/17, 02:37 PM
As an update, things have been a lot better the past 3 weeks. Tyler has smoked 2 times, but both of those times he told me, and didn't buy cigarettes himself, he got it from one of his coworkers. I have been telling him how proud I am of him trying to stop, and I know that it is hard for him. He really tries, and I know that continuing on the track that we are now, he will hopefully be able to stop smoking forever, and lieing about it will no longer be nesescary. :big_smile:
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2004/05/17, 05:17 PM
My husband smokes and has since he was 15. He is now 45. If you think $10 - 15.00 is alot try $260.00 a month. He smokes almost 5 packs a day and it drives me crazy. I don't smoke myself. Just don't nag him cause it gets worse if you do. I moved my clothes in the laundry room so they wouldn't smell like smoke and he does not smoke with me in the car. I have candles lit all over the house just to mask the smoke. I don't like walking around smelling like an ash tray, especially since I am not the one smoking. I know smoking is a hard habit to break and I understand that. But don't sue the tobacco companies for risking your own life, they didn't force anyone to smoke. It would be just like a man sueing Playboy for carpal tunnel. It is not there fault a guy over did it while looking through their magazine. :laugh:
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