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2004/06/15, 09:02 AM
I apologize for dumping this out here, but I don't really have anywhere else to go with it.
The last few days have been so difficult, I'm just overwhelmed.
My pap smear came back showing a high grade squamous intraepithelial lesion HSIL. The pathologist apparently did not say anything else. To say that I am worried is sort of an understatement. I want so much to tell Michael but I don't want to frighten or upset him, he is very sensitive. On the other hand I feel like he would freak if he thought I was keeping it from him. On the other hand, I can't say the words out loud. So I have three hands and none of them know what to do.
The other thing that happened this week is that I caught my ex rifling through the drawers in my dresser. He brought Maggie over because we were having a dreadful thunderstorm and they were caught in it, miles from his home. She was absolutely terrified. I was comforting her on the couch and I heard this weird clicking sound. I went to investigate and he was flicking his lighter so he could look in my dresser drawers. I freaked and kicked him out, kept Maggie for the night, called the sheriff and this morning am filing a restraining order against him.
I'm trying to focus on Maggie's emotional health (she is 7), my studies, my health, blah, blah, blah and I'm just exhausted from it all.
Thanks for listening.
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Anni
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Hard work must have killed somebody
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2004/06/15, 09:35 AM
Oh Anni, you really must share with the person you love, so that you can support each other during this time. If it affects you, it affects him, and he needs to know when you have health concerns on your mind.
If I remember correctly this is a precancerous indication, but it's NOT cancer. And you have to have other tests done now, and this is NOT Something you Spare your Significant Other from!! I can imagine how frightened you must be... don't keep your loved ones in the dark.
Then, they can then be there to rejoice with you when further tests prove your greatest fears unfounded.
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: ] ~Danielle
The deepest rivers flow with the least sound.
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2004/06/15, 09:44 AM
I'm not going to tell you not to worry Anni, I know you will and if it were me, it would be all I could think about. I think you should tell him, but be able to give him the additional information he will need to process it. He loves you and despite his "fragile-ness", I'm sure he wants to be there for you just as you would him.
I found the following site, it explains HSIL more "real person" terms. I'm sure you have done your fair share of research already, but I thought I would include this in case you hadn't come across it yet:
www.medfriendly.com/squamousintraepitheliallesion.html#cancer
As far as the other part, want me and Hector to come kick ass and take names for you? When me and my ex broke up, he used to break into the house all the time....so I know how it feels and understand how much you want to protect your daughter. The little people are the priority.
Just let me know if it gets too bad over there...I'll ship you in and meet you at the airport with dixie cup in hand.
Be well,
Julienne
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2004/06/15, 10:40 AM
Anni -
That is scary, but not a death sentence. tell your beau, he will help keep you on an even keel. Get more testing done. You can be scared, but don't be paralyzed.
Exs are so freakish. You did the right thing in kicking him out and getting a restraining order. Is he likely to escalate his behavior? Like dfly offered - i wil come over and chase him off for you. (I used to joke with my training partner that we could start a female bodybuilder busines where we straighten out abusive boyfriends/husbands).
Keep yourself focused on your healthy habits and on your daughter.
Here if you need to vent!:love:
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If you fall down seven times, get up eight.
I\'m not lazy, I\'m energetically challenged.
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2004/06/15, 01:17 PM
Thanks guys, I do feel better and I will check out the website recommended. I'm so freakish today. I'm having a colposcopy(?) on July 1.
Yes, I would very much appreciate it if somone would kick his ass. I would do it myself but he is 6'3" and 220lbs. I lovingly refer to him as Trog because he is big and stupid and his knuckles make the most horrible scraping sound when he walks. I will know in a few hours if the court will grant the restraining order, there is always the chance that they will deny it.
I dislike turmoil. I'm thinking of joining a convent in the mountains where I can devote myself to my studies and be free of Trog.
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Anni
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Hard work must have killed somebody
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2004/06/15, 01:30 PM
Hey anni, I agree with telling your beau. He can be a great comfort to you and just sharing the burden lightens the load. I had abnormal cells show up in my pap 3 different times in my 20's. Two times they did the freezing thing and the third time they did the burning thing. After that I have had all normal ones and I am in my 40's now (shhhhh). Good luck to you. I'll say a quick prayer that it all works out ok for you. :love:
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~Victoria~
...Do not be discouraged; everyone who got where he is, started where he was.--anon
...There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.--Beverly Sills
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2004/06/15, 01:42 PM
Thank you Victoria, that helps me so much! I am driving to Missouri to see him this weekend. I need to tell him so he can hold me and tell me it will be alright, even though that is very selfish. I really am not a weak person and I feel like this will be okay, but I'm too tired to do it by myself.
I checked out the website dfly recommended and it is very helpful. It puts the whole thing in much less frightening terms.
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Anni
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Hard work must have killed somebody
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2004/06/15, 02:11 PM
If you joined a convent, you would be the one that discovers the deepest, most drama-fied secrets hidden in the mountains....(you're like me, I have some sort of drama homeing becon inside me, it just finds me, wherever and in any situation.)
But it does make life interesting and I am quite sure you got that love of life and quick wit you have from surviving the dramas that have invaded your life thus far.
Keep you chin up Anni!!
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Quoting from anni313:
I dislike turmoil. I'm thinking of joining a convent in the mountains where I can devote myself to my studies and be free of Trog.
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2004/06/15, 02:17 PM
Yeah, besides what will I do about my problem if I'm ever single again?
Seriously Anni, My wife has had the same positive tests numerous times for years . No problems yet. Just be thankful they have the tests.
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Foolish consistancies are the hobgoblins of small minds.
Charlie
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2004/06/15, 03:11 PM
Thank you. I am very grateful for the tests and for having sense enough to go take the test. I am very comforted by all of you.
Just got a call and the judge wants to change the restraint from abuse order to restraint from stalking. I'm not really sure what the difference is but we have to redo the thing, delay of game. I have such a headache and I need a cocktail.
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Anni
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Hard work must have killed somebody
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2004/06/15, 03:27 PM
Just want to add my best wishes for you anni, take care
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2004/06/15, 03:32 PM
Thank you princess. You guys just have no idea how much it means to know that you are here.
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Anni
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Hard work must have killed somebody
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2004/06/16, 01:01 AM
You chicks (Charlie included) rock!! That was good stuff to read before I hit the sack. A real testament to the human condition. I like it. Anni, good luck. I know you'll be alright.
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A broken clock is right twice a day
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2004/06/17, 01:41 PM
I tried to use a court approved service this morning to set up a time for a visit with Maggie. He told them he wasn't letting me see her because of the restraint from stalking order. My child needs me as much as I need her. I should have just been quiet like always. What have I done?
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Anni
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Hard work must have killed somebody
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2004/06/17, 01:47 PM
He cannot keep you from your child. Call your attorney or whoever and find out what you need to do.
The bastard, I hope he walks out in front of a moving truck and gets drug 500 feet before he comes loose to die in a pile of his own blood and fecal matter.
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2004/06/17, 02:22 PM
A classic line of my own.
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Message deleted by moderator due to unsuitable content for this board.
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2004/06/17, 03:43 PM
I called the district attorneys office. He can't do it, however I have to file a motion to enforce parenting time and so maybe in a month it will be on the docket. Dfly and Hec I really like the whole pile of his own blood and fecal matter thing. People like him never get hit by trucks when you need it.
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Anni
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Hard work must have killed somebody
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2004/06/17, 03:48 PM
Believe me when I tell you we both know this....
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Message deleted by moderator due to unsuitable content for this board.
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2004/06/17, 03:52 PM
I'm sure you do. It makes me so sad because today is my day with Maggie and she knows it. What will she think when I don't come to pick her up? I'd call my lawyer but he doesn't exactly want to hear from me because I owe him $10,000 from trying to keep Jim from moving out of state with her. The punishment just goes on and on.
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Anni
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Hard work must have killed somebody
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2004/06/17, 03:54 PM
Call him anyway Anni. You may be surprised.
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Foolish consistancies are the hobgoblins of small minds.
Charlie
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2004/06/17, 03:57 PM
Anni, How is your lawyer? I am going through a child issue right now. I am trying to adopt my stepson. My wife and I want the father out of the picture. The sad part is the father is willing to give up all parental rights for $400 a month. My lawyer hasn't done a case like this in 25 years. My wife and I spent an hour and a half listening to our lawyer make phone calls to other lawyers to see what he was supposed to do. FRUSTRATING!!! We are trying to make this fast so he doesn't have much time to think about what he is giving up. Even though I don't think he cares. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to the tell my son. He is five and sometimes ask's for his other father. We don't want to hide anything from him. Hope everything works out for you Anni.
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2004/06/17, 03:59 PM
Get a different attorney or search and search for one that does pro-bono work.....
I don't know what the laws are in your state, but if you have visitation rights or do not have papers stating specifically that you cannot pick her up and see her, just go and get her from the sitter or something if she has one if it is your day. He shouldn't be able to so s**t about it.
Have you been able to call her at all today? Oh Anni, I so wish I could do something about it!!
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2004/06/24, 06:21 PM
awww Anni - I would listen to dfly advice but bring someone with you when you pick her up. don't go by yourself - you need someone who can tell what happen instead of a he said/she said type thing.
You should try to go back to court & have it set up that he has to bring her to a public place for pick up & drop off. I know several people that have to do that.
& remember not to fight with him in front of your daughter - that isn't good for her.
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Reddy
All people smile in the same language
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