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2004/12/29, 12:06 PM
Ladies (and guys too probably),
My wife tells me that I am not emotional enough. Telling her that she's too emotional seems to cause even more problems. So here's the deal:
We have been married since we were 16 and 17. We are 28 & 30 now. (married right before my 18th brithday) We have been best friends for 13 years, but we seem more like "best friends with benefits" than we do like lovers. We are polar opposites on most every issue, with few exceptions. She is emotional, relationship, outgoing, helping oriented, while I am logical, activity, introverted, independant oriented.
The problem is that I know that I will lose her if I don't learn to be more emotional and think of her first and keep my mouth in check (open at appropriate times and with appropriate words). I am a doer and a touchy-feely, but those things don't speak to her the way they speak to me. I want to take her on dates where we do something, but I feel it should be something that we both want to do. If it's something that only she wants to do, then she should go with someone else who will enjoy that with her. But then I'm not being sensitive, because "it's not about the activity".
How do I become more "sensitive, emotional, and loving" without totally losing myself. (Oh, and the only emotion I show is anger, according to her, because that's the only one that I can't control and tuck inside. My mom used emotions as a controlling/manipulation device, so I learned not to express them.) How do I let the emotions out without them all spewing all over the place?
Ladies?
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--Click here to insert a clever message--
Jonathan
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2004/12/29, 12:28 PM
Whoops! This probably should have been in the Relationship forum. Oh well, too late now...
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Jonathan
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2004/12/29, 12:47 PM
Great Jonathan......insult every female in 7 continants. You need to add sensitivity as well as emotion to your psychological bankruptcy.
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Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder where have I gone wrong? Then I hear a voice say this is gonna take longer than one night.
Charlie
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2004/12/29, 12:48 PM
:big_smile::big_smile::big_smile::big_smile::big_smile:
:big_smile::big_smile::big_smile::big_smile::big_smile:
:big_smile::big_smile::big_smile::big_smile::big_smile:
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Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder where have I gone wrong? Then I hear a voice say this is gonna take longer than one night.
Charlie
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2004/12/29, 12:55 PM
Charlie... You are sooooooooo helpful. LOL
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Jonathan
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2004/12/29, 02:19 PM
watch some lifetime....j/k
i dunno guess your just a "guy" just like the rest of us.
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2004/12/29, 03:33 PM
I had to read your post twice and still I am not sure if anyone will know how to answer your question...you are who you are and emotions come from within, it isn't like her telling you to change your underwear more often...maybe by looking at it as being more "emotional toward her needs" rather than being more emotional you might get there faster...maybe...but we are all who we are, different from one another in so many ways how can one possibly change one's inner self? You are analytical, do some internet research on this and I will bet that you will come up with some good tips, mine would be to just L I S T E N to her, don't just hear her, be a part of what she is saying, if you see she is needing you emotionally, go to her and ask her what you can do, try being a part of her day not just an appendage to it.
Some guys are taught to tuck away the emotions from childhood up and that is a very difficult thing to "undo", but layer by layer it has and can be done if you want it to. She will need to be understanding too, as the transformation won't come overnight - if you allow it to come at all.
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Veda
MISERY IS OPTIONAL
***When you are up to your ears in trouble, try using the part that is not submerged.
***The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
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2004/12/29, 09:15 PM
you know, my husband is the same way. we've been married almost 5 years (on dec 31st) and i've talked to him about getting "in touch" with himself. he's very closed off.
my mother in law is the same...she cries to get her way. it drives me crazy, and i could just imagine how my hubby feels...not only that, but his sister learned it, too!
can you find something to do that is totally not a normal thing you guys would do? maybe if you guys traveled new ground together, it would be a bonding tool.
being a horseperson, i intoduced my hubby to horses. this has helped him to become more aware of his emotions, as horses are super sensitive to our moods.
i wish you luck!
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On the 8th day, God created the horse.
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2004/12/30, 03:46 AM
I think its a genral issue, men are suppose to be the "strong" ones, remember "big boys dont cry" I think it will always be harder for a guy to show emotions then a woman.
I have the exact same "issues" as you so I know what you are feeling.
As mentioned earliere, try traveling, try to find a mutual interst.
Good luck with it
Raj
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2004/12/30, 06:33 AM
^guess who...got logged out
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2004/12/30, 06:45 AM
I admire you for wanting to better your emotional balance Jonathan, but you cannot "learn" to be more emotional. That's like trying to train someone to have a different personality. Can't be done honey.
That being said, you can learn to be more sensitive to her needs and practice allowing what emotions you do feel to show.
Out of curiosity, have you asked your wife what things she would like to see you handle differently? I can't tell if this post was spun from your own desire to make it better or if she has been asking specifically for things to change. And I ask this because "specific" is important when dealing with the fine tuning of a relationship.
See, as a whole, (and I mean no offense to any female readers here) most women have difficulty asking for what they want straight out....they tend to encapsulate everything into hints and leave you guessing. I have no idea why, but I know it happens a lot. My guess is it is tied into the wish that men will just take it upon themsleves to make them (women) feel better without it having to be asked for.
Example: Wife gives husband the silent treatment. He knows that she is angry or upset and so he tries to stear clear and give her space, assumes she is just being a girl and maybe even sends her flowers the next day......
HOWEVER.....all considerations and flowers deemed fabulous, what she really wanted was for him to grab her and make her talk....open up a door to her and help her to express herself. Maybe what she really wanted him to do was guess that she has been lonely for a while and needing a bit of appreciation.
Either way, if your wife cannot articulate to you exactly what it is that she is needing fixed, improved, or increased...then you have little chance of fixing it. To just say to a man "I want you to be more emotional" is not enough.
Ok, did this make any sense at all?:laugh:
I wish you the best with this Johnathan....and if all else fails, make her a romantic dinner and light the candles with your built in flame thrower. What girl couldn't fall in love with that all over again?
:big_smile:
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Julienne
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
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2004/12/30, 07:53 AM
I agree, I also admire that you are even taking the time to ask about this. That shows your emotional needs to satisfy your wife's happiness and that is something that not many wives get! The romantic dinner is always good! With the candle lights are a really good touch! Good luck to you!! :love:
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~Brandy~
brandyjames06@yahoo.com
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2004/12/31, 12:00 PM
Thank you all for your responses. I haven't had time to be on here so I just skimmed them and will reread them this afternoon.
Yes, I want things to change, but she has been VERY vocal about my need to open up emotionally.
We have been trying to find things that we enjoy doing together besides watching movies. The main thing we come back to is eating out. We tip the waitresses well because we sit at the table talking for an hour after we finish eating.
Thanks again for all of the replies.
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Jonathan
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2005/01/04, 12:25 PM
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Quoting from dfly411:
Example: Wife gives husband the silent treatment. He knows that she is angry or upset and so he tries to stear clear and give her space, assumes she is just being a girl and maybe even sends her flowers the next day......
HOWEVER.....all considerations and flowers deemed fabulous, what she really wanted was for him to grab her and make her talk....open up a door to her and help her to express herself. Maybe what she really wanted him to do was guess that she has been lonely for a while and needing a bit of appreciation.
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That's exactly it! Only one time she wants the door opened, and the next time she wants space. The third time I don't don't what the hell to do! It seems that whichever route I choose is always the exact opposite of what she "wanted". So the question in my mind is, "Does it really matter which route I choose?" If it doesn't matter, then I'll let her cool down on her own and avoid the hour-long fight/"discussion"/You're an idiot speech. But that doesn't help either.
To reply to Menace's comments about words vs sex, whenever I give the impression that I may want to venture into that realm, she stops me and asks if I have something to say. On the nights that I think quickly enough to say something more than the proverbial "How's the weather?" comments, I engage her mind and emotions, and therefore ... If I don't think quickly enough or say something stupid, that's pretty much the goodnight kiss.
I had never connected those together before a week or two ago when she did that to me. On the nights that we talk about ditching the kids and running off to a hotel or Hawaii or a cruise or something, she's soo much more receptive than on other nights.
I hope that by putting my personal life out there to be seen that others find useful information and are able to help their own relationships also.
Thanks again to all who replied.
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Jonathan
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