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2005/01/12, 09:35 PM
I was siting in a nice restauaunt, the other day.....you know the ones you have to wear a suit and tie in.
Big ol' construction worker came in......said, could he have a table.
well matre'de said "sorry sir, need a coat and tie"
He went outside to his car, felt around in his back seat, found this wrinkled up sports jacket....dusted it off,put in on,and came back in.
Matre'de pointed out, he still needed a tie.
Conctrustion worker went back outside to his car, popped his trunk, pulled out his jumper cables.
And tied the purfect winsor tie knot, you have ever seen!
He walked back in, matre' de said," well you have a coat, and the tie is border line, but good enough..........i'll let ya in", "but sir; better not try and start anything!"
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The following, has not be approved by the FDA or FT, it was not meant to diagnose,treat,or prevent any diease(s) Please consult a moderator or doctor before using any of the suggestions or comments.
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2005/01/13, 04:18 AM
:laugh::laugh:
thats all
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2005/01/13, 07:46 AM
That was the worst joke I ever heard.
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I am from Philadelphia, for all the people who keep posting the infamous where are you from thread.
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2005/01/13, 05:23 PM
*giggles*
Thanks for the laugh I really needed that
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Reddy
All people smile in the same language
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2005/01/13, 11:41 PM
3 men died in a car accident.....when they stood in front of the pearly gates....st peter asked......."if you can show me, somthing that is in the spirit of christmas, then i'll let you in no questions asked!"
1st guy walked forward, pulle dout is lighter..."this represents candles" St. peter said...."ok, go on in."
2nd guy walked up, fumbled aroun din his pockets, found his car keys......he jingled them " bells", he said. "Ok " St. peter said, border line but close enough.
3rd guy walked up, fumbled around in his pockets for a few min. and pulled out a pair of black lacy thongs.....St. peter looked at him with a raised eye brow.........3rd guy said "these are "Carols"
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The following, has not be approved by the FDA or FT, it was not meant to diagnose,treat,or prevent any diease(s) Please consult a moderator or doctor before using any of the suggestions or comments.
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2005/01/14, 01:04 PM
So, there is this bar one the top floor of the world's tallest building and two guys at the bar are drinking and swapping stories.
The first guy tells the second guy that because of the updraft between the skyscraper and the building next to it, if you jump off the building you will be shot back up on a current of air without being harmed.
The second guy says 'No way that could happen!'
The first guy insists and bets the guy 50 bucks to do it.
The second guy takes the bet, but says "You go first."
"Okay" says the first guy,So, they go out on the rooftop patio and he jumps off the building, falls out of sight, then reappears flying up to the top of the building again.
"Wow", says the second guy, and without further thought, he jumps off the building and falls to his death.
The first guy goes back into the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender shakes his head and says "You're a mean drunk, Superman."
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2005/01/20, 06:39 AM
not a joke but
lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles now draw anti clock wise circles with your right hand, notice what happens to your foot.......
your finger will dictate which way your foot goes
try changing direction of your finger drawing to clock wise...
try it
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2005/01/20, 08:04 AM
Okay, that made me feel really uncoordinated!
Here is a joke I heard today -
A mother is cleaning the house and she goes into her son's room to vacuum and sees his computer on the desk. She thinks to herself, I should probably check what he has been doing online, since I see all of those terrible news stories about the things you can find online. So she pulls up his files and discovers a lot of hardcore S&M websites and downloaded materials. Shocked and dismayed, she calls to her husband. He comes and looks at the content and they both shake their heads. "well, what do you think we should do?" the mother asks.
"I don't know, but I definitely don't think we should spank him".
(I hope I didn't mangle that one too badly)
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2005/01/20, 08:06 AM
Three guys are trying to gather money for a case of beer. They walk in to the liquor store and try to strike up a deal with the clerk. The clerk says "I will tell you guys what, I will measure all three of your penises and if the combined total is 20" I will give you a free case of beer."
The guys gladly take the deal. Johnny whips out his. BAM 18 1/2". The guys are sure that the case is theirs. Steven whips his out. 1 inch. Their nerves start to rattle as Harry takes his out. A half an inch. 20 inches on the dot.
As they are driving away with their free case of beer Johnny says "you guys are lucky I have an 18 1/2" penis." Steven says "No you guys are lucky that I have a 1 inch penis." Harry looks at them both and says "You guys are both lucky that I popped a boner."
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I agree with everything that Asimmer says.
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2005/01/20, 08:11 AM
Are those three guys the boyfriends of the three guinness drinking women?
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2005/01/20, 08:13 AM
an old lady all along living in the woods with her dog
one day a good fairy comes by and says I will grant you 3 wishes
1st wish I wanna be rich... done
2nd wish I wanna be young and beautiful again... done
3rd wish can you turn my don into a young man.. done
then dog/man goes ..."Don't you regret having me neutered last year....."
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2005/01/20, 08:30 AM
hee hee.
Celine Dion walks into a bar.... the bartender looks at her and says "Why the long face?"... bu-bum ba boom.
An old man is sitting at the bar drinking, when another old man comes in and sits next to him. 'I'll have a Guinness"he tells the bartender. the first man turns to him and says "Thats what I'm having! A toast to Guinness, then!" So they toast. "I detect an Irish accent, are you from the old country?" asks the second man. "Why, indeed I am! A toast to the old country!" says the first man.
"what part of Ireland are you from" asks the second man.
"Why, Dublin, of course" says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin!!!" says the second man "Let's drink a toast to Dublin!"
"Did you go to school in Dublin, then?" asks the first man.
"Aye, i went to Our Sister of Perpetual Grief" says the second man.
"No! i went to Our Sister Of Perpetual Grief, too!" says the first man.
'Let's drink a guinness to Our Sister of Perpetual Grief!"
At this point, a third man walks up to the bar. Noticing the rowdy old men taosting to everything, he asks the bartender what is going on.
"Not much" says the bartender "The O'Leary twins are drunk again."
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2005/01/20, 08:46 AM
:laugh::laugh:
a guy asks his preist wheater or not they play football in heaven..the preist says I dont know, will check and get back to you
a few days later the guy asks the preist again, did you find out.
the priest says, I have a good news and a bad one
the good news is, yes they play football in heaven
the bad news is you are playing on sunday
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2005/01/20, 08:46 AM
:laugh::laugh:
a guy asks his preist wheater or not they play football in heaven..the preist says I dont know, will check and get back to you
a few days later the guy asks the preist again, did you find out.
the priest says, I have a good news and a bad one
the good news is, yes they play football in heaven
the bad news is you are playing on sunday
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2005/01/20, 08:48 AM
oops sorry about the doublepost
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2005/01/20, 09:11 AM
Subject: Tick Scam
Subject: FW: WARNING WARNING WARNING
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!
It's urgent.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do not do it!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid ...
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FILL OUT YOUR PROFILE AND USE FIT BUDDY!!!!
I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self. - Aristotle
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2005/01/20, 09:39 AM
lmao
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2005/01/20, 09:45 AM
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You are too young to smoke.
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I agree with everything that Asimmer says.
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2005/01/20, 09:48 AM
What did the floor say to the christmas tree?
Your balls are hanging
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I agree with everything that Asimmer says.
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2005/01/20, 09:50 AM
why did the gypsy walk funny?
because he had crystal balls
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2005/01/20, 09:53 AM
What is black and white and red all over?
A nun on her period.
What do panty hose and Sadaam Husain have in common?
They both irritate bush.
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I agree with everything that Asimmer says.
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2005/01/20, 09:55 AM
what's brown and sticky?
a stick
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herd mentality.
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2005/01/20, 09:55 AM
what's orange and sounds like a parrot?
a carrot.
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herd mentality.
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2005/01/20, 09:56 AM
I take it this is basically a shit jokes amnesty?
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herd mentality.
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2005/01/20, 10:04 AM
What is grosser than gross?
Jumping off the empire state building and landing on a bike with no seat.
What is grosser than gross?
Sliding down a sliding board of razor blades and landing in a pool of alcohol.
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I agree with everything that Asimmer says.
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2005/01/20, 02:53 PM
Whats green and red and goes 50 mph?
Kermit the frog in a blender
whats brown and sounds like a bell?
dung
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An old thought for the New Year - \'If you fall down seven times, get up eight\'
What matters is that you continue on.
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2005/01/20, 03:33 PM
What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger.
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--Click here to insert a clever message--
Jonathan
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2005/01/20, 03:34 PM
What's 4 blonds standing ear to ear?
wind tunnel
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Dances with humans
Charlie
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2005/01/20, 03:40 PM
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully
munches down the nuts.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Where upon the old lady answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."
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FILL OUT YOUR PROFILE AND USE FIT BUDDY!!!!
I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self. - Aristotle
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2005/01/20, 03:43 PM
EEEEWWWWWW:angry::surprised::(
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Dances with humans
Charlie
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2005/01/21, 08:59 AM
what's uinvisible and smells like carrots?
rabbit farts
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2005/01/21, 09:19 AM
a man walks into the psychiatrit's office wearing only a pair of clingfilm underpants...
"well I can clearly see youre nuts" says the psychiatrist.
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2005/01/21, 09:25 AM
Jim and Bill were in a bar. Jim is a smooth operator, able to pick up chicks with ease. Bill asks Jim what his secret is. Jim says: "I simply approach a female and I whisper to them 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' if they laugh I usually have them in the palm of my hand. If they respond by saying 'What did you say?' I say 'Typically nasty weather?' and then I walk away. You should try it some time it really work."
So after a few drinks bill starts to loosen up a bit. He finds a beautiful woman and walks up to her. He says "Jam a feather up your ass?" She looks at him in disgust and says "Excuse me?" He says: "Cold as fuck out aint it?"
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I agree with everything that Asimmer says.
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2005/01/21, 01:58 PM
A man went into a bar......on the bar their was a 10gallon tank full of 10 dollar bills.
Man asks the bartender, "whats up with the tank full fo money?" Bartender says, "you have to acomplish the 3 feats of strength to get the money, after you put YOUR ten dollars in the tank."
"well what are the feats of strength"? theman asks
"well....
1 you have to drink that whole gallon, of julopino pepper juice over there...drink it with out saying a word!
2 theres a big mean dog out back with a bad tooth, gotta pull it out, bare handed.
3 theres a 90 yr old woman up stairs thats never had a orgasim....you have to give her one."
man says " I can do the 1st 2, but i can bag a 90 yr old woman.
Few hours later.....several pitchers of beer later, guy starts to think.....man I bet theres, 2- 3 thousand dollars in there easy!
"barkeep, i'm ready to try"
"put your money in" barkeep says,
man puts his money in, and the barkeep gives him the julpino juice.....he drinks it all with outs saying a word......he them stumbles out of the bar , out back.
Every one hear dog barrking, howling, clothes tearing, man screaming......finally...
Man comes back in, pants shirt tore up, blood all over him....scratches everwhere........asks the barkeep where that WOMAN is with the BAD TOOTH
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My drinking squad, has a cheerleading problem!!
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2005/01/21, 02:02 PM
That was funny
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I agree with everything that Asimmer says.
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2005/01/21, 07:58 PM
lmao good one big andrew
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Keith Hardy CFO
Serious Nutrition Solutions LLC
keith@seriousnutritionsolutions.com
www.seriousnutritionsolutions.com
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2005/02/01, 03:36 PM
A rather attractive woman walks up to the bar in a crowded tavern. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his mustache, which is
full and bushy. She tickles his mustache, and brushes his hair with her fingers.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his cheeks and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, now clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Why yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, placing a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck on them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that, once again, there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
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This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit. - Homer (Simpson)
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2005/02/01, 03:52 PM
:laugh::laugh:
since this has been brought back to life
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
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2005/02/01, 03:54 PM
A Hunter's Story
One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area. He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down. It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some
snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes Later he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid-ass husband is out hunting in that shit?"
:big_smile::big_smile::laugh:
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2005/02/02, 02:24 PM
....this is soposly a true story from a police department somwhere.....
A guy got a "high tech ticket" in the mail, it had a picture of his lincense plat, the speed he was going under the picture, and a ticket for 100dollars.
He replied, mailed a PICTURE of 100 dollars to the police department of that county.
Few weeks later, he received another "letter" from the police of the county.......all it had in the envolope was a picture of hand cuffs.......
The fine was paid.
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My drinking squad, has a cheerleading problem!!
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2005/02/02, 02:35 PM
A blonde in a sports car is driving along some wheat fields and notices a blonde rowing a row boat in the middle of it.
She stops gets out of car, and yells "Its blonds like YOU that give all blondes bad reps, now if I KNEW how to swim, I'd come out there and kick YOUR ass!"
A baby is deliverd, the baby looks at the doctor and says" are you my daddy?"
"a talking baby! the doctor said
Are you my daddy?", he asked again
"NO , i'm the doctor that delivered you."
Later the nurse picked him up," are you my daddy?", the baby asked
"NO, i'm the nurse taking you to see your mommy."
baby is put in his moms arms, he looks at her, and says" are you my daddy?"
"No, i'm your mommy."
A guy comes wallking down the hall, wearing a black leather jacket, tight levis on, with a cocky smile on his face....he comes in the room, and picks up the baby.
"Are you my daddy?" baby asks...
Yes , sir I am son.... with a cocky smirk
baby, looks in his dads eyes, takes his pointer finger and start poking his dads fore head over and over again........"HOWS THIS FEEL? IMAGINE THIS FOR 9 MONTHS STRAIGHT!"
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My drinking squad, has a cheerleading problem!!
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2005/03/08, 03:26 PM
LMAO
PRICELESS
> Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
>Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
>single red rose!
>
>Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: - "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
>
>Love,
>
>Jillian
>
>
>He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
>when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
>
>Broken Coffee Table - $39.99
>
>Hot Breakfast - $4.20
>
>Two Aspirins - $.38
>
>Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless!!!
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GYPO (JK)
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2005/03/08, 03:56 PM
Dear Diary,
> >
> >For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
>of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
>still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs
> >ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
> >
> >Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
> >Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
> >model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
>my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
>chart my progress.
> >
> >MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
>well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
>for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair,
>dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
> >
> >Woo Hoo!!!!!
> >
> >Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
> >after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
>fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
>outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
>aerobics class after my workout today.
> >
> >Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
>my
> >gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
>around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> >
> >TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
> >door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
>air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
>treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
>all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
> >
> >WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
>toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
>believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
>didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
>parking lot.
> >
> >Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
>club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
>and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> >
> >My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> >stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate
>an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
>help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
> >
> >THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
>exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
>couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my
>shoes.
> >
> >Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
>ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
> >punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> >
> >FRIDAY: I hate that #%&*!@ Belinda more than any human being has ever
> >hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
>skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I
>could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> >
> >Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And
> >if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
> >barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
> >
> >The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> >teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
>or the choir director?
> >
> >SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
>grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
>hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
>I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
>eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
> >
> >SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
>can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
>year, my wife (the%#&*), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a
> >root canal or a vasectomy!!!
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GYPO (JK)
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2005/04/15, 03:18 AM
Gabriel ran to the Lord with concerns.
"God, we seem to have a big problem on our hands with these southern folks here is heaven."
"What's the problem Gabriel," His Highness asks.
"Well, they only wear 1 wing and they refuse to wear their halos."
"Surely, these can't be major problems, Gab. After all, these are my Saints..." God is interrupted.
"But, God, there's a trail of watermelon seeds beyond the Pearly Gates, dirty dancing on the heavenly clouds and chicken bones at Jesus's feet," Gabrial continues.
"Well gee, let's call down to Hell and see how Devil's handling it," God resolves.
Ring, Ring, Ring
"Hello?" Devil answers.
"Hey Demon, this is God. I was wondering..."
"Hang on, Hang on, I'll be right back!" Devil puts Him on hold.
He returns a few minutes later, "Okay Lord, What were you saying?"
"I'm having a problem here in Heaven and..."
"Oh, Oh... I gotta put you on hold again," Devil is anxious.
He returns out of breath 5 mins later. "Continue God, I know you hate waiting."
"I'll make it quick," God continues in frustration. "My angels are..."
"Oh, I'm sorry, but I gotta call you back. This hicks are trying to put out my fire."
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2005/04/15, 03:21 AM
Okay, so, I killed the punch line with bad spelling, but I know you guys are just in tears.
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2005/04/15, 05:02 AM
What have monkeys and chainsaws got in common?
they both fuck up trees
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2005/04/15, 08:51 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!
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This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit. - Homer (Simpson)
Be here. Live. Love. Hope. Now. Faith. Believe. You. - Keith Urban
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2005/04/15, 08:51 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!
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This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit. - Homer (Simpson)
Be here. Live. Love. Hope. Now. Faith. Believe. You. - Keith Urban
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