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2005/05/25, 05:03 PM
When did the people who are married get married? I am engaged and I am 16, (fiancee is pregnant).. Just curious, and wondering if any of you have advice for me. We've known each other since we were 6 and been dating for 2 years. Just wanting any thoughts of yours. Thanks.
-Derek
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2005/05/25, 05:19 PM
hey derek, well i'm 17 and thats a pretty big step but good luck anyway!
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2005/05/25, 05:26 PM
16- way way way to young. I knew my first wife since she was 6, she was 17 I was 19. Guess how long the marraige lasted? 2 years.
I recommend waiting till you are at least 18 and mature enough to make a sound decision.
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:Hard work equals great results!:
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2005/05/25, 08:46 PM
I waited until I was 28.
But I was engaged twice before. First time at 18.
You change SO much between teen years and 30.
BUT - there are alway exceptions to the rule. I'm glad I waited but that's what is working for me.
I wish you the best of luck and remember - a good relationship takes work. Somehow so many people expect it to be easy to be with the same person "forever". The relationships that get the most time and care put into them are the ones that will last.
If you're having doubts be open about it. It will be a long hard road if you "stay together for the child". Make sure you always make time for the two of you. Promise each other that you will get a babysitter once a month and go on a real date. It could be the link that keeps you together as a couple.
All the best to you and your fiance!
:love: :love: :love:
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2005/05/25, 09:51 PM
are you engaged because she's pregnant/ you got her pregnaunt? Or because you care for her?
BIG differance
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" The only true eye, is your minds eye"- plato
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2005/05/25, 10:08 PM
I'm engaged because I love her, but I would say that I would have waited till I was atleast 18 if I hadn't gotten her pregnant. That's why we aren't waiting, but I would have when I was 18. It's not just because she's pregnant, I know that if that were the reason it would never work out. My question kind of is, how do you make this work when you 16 and still in school? I know it will be a lot easier when we are out of school, we care a lot about each other and I know her being pregnant isn't what will keep us together. But I do know it's not going to be easy to raise a child and educate myself enough to were I can get a job to support a family.
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2005/05/25, 10:16 PM
You can still be a DAD and not be married......marriage isjust a pieace of paper/ legal document......marriage is more in the heart.......if yoru both true to each other, and care for each other.......that pieace of paper don't matter.
If it was me i'd wait.....jmo
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" The only true eye, is your minds eye"- plato
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2005/05/26, 05:18 AM
agreed Andrew....
Sounds very hard dvelswk.....especially at 16....it's very difficult to find a good paying job with no college education...and you still have ways to go in HS....
I know this may sound weird(I don't mean anything bad by it)...but who made the decision to keep the baby? at your age...I just don't know....abortion although not great...was it originally a possibility? what about putting the baby up for adoption(I know this is terrible...but just thinking through in terms of your and child's future).....
wish you all the best....
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2005/05/26, 02:24 PM
Ok guys here we go..... My husband and I started dating when he was 16 and I was 19. Without all the details, we found out I was pregnant and I had our daughter the day before my 20th birthday. My husband at the time was 17 and a senior in high school.
We did not get married because I was pregnant, and we did not keep our daughter. We placed her into an OPEN adoption. We get to see her whenever we want(we have a GREAT relationship with her adoptive parents) and she will grow up knowing WHY we couldn't keep her.
We didn't get married until 2 years ago. At the time I was 21 and my husband was 19. Our daughter was 2 1/2, and she was our flower girl.
My point in tell you this is that there are other options to getting married right away just because your fiance is pregnant. Even getting married at 19&21, there has been a lot of growing up to do. Thankfully my husband and I are growing up together very well.
Think about what is best not only for you, but for this child before you make your decision. Can you provide for this baby? Will it be a happy life for you, your fiance and your child if you keep your baby?
I hope that things work their way out for you, and I will be keeping you in my prayers. It's a tough situation, and if you need to talk to someone who's been there, just send me a message and I'll give you all the info I have. :)
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2005/05/26, 02:44 PM
Thanks cristalbelle. I think we will be able to support it, my dad's a pharmacist and he has said that until we have stable jobs he will help us support the baby. Abortion is something I have always been against, my mom had an abortion and she has never mentally recovered from it, so that's not a route we are going to take. I do understand what your saying andrew when you said marriage is a legal paper, and you don't have to get married just because they are pregnant... I will think about this a lot.. We aren't planning on getting married any time soon, we were planning on waiting until both of us are out of high school, Tondra (my fiancee) is only 15 so it would be 3 years. A long engagement yes I know, but hopefully it will turn out the best.
Getting engaged was sort of saying that we weren't going to leave each other because of this baby. It's a blessing for one to be pregnant, however I do agree at our age it's probably not the best thing. I have never been a christian, I'm actually an Atheist. But for those of you who do believe in Christianity, keep us in your prayers. I don't believe in any higher power myself, but if I am wrong about religion, any help from any one or any being would be wonderful. Thanks everyone.
-Derek
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2005/05/26, 03:00 PM
Derek~
I am so glad that you have your fathers support in this. That was something my husband and I did not have, and it contributed greatly to the decision we made to place our daughter into another family.
I applaud your getting engaged to show that having this baby isn't going to seperate you and Tondra, but I want to make sure you think about the fact that if (god forbid) you had a falling out with her that was in no way related to your baby, breaking up with someone you are dating is much easier than breaking up with someone you are engaged to.
And just so you know, I meant it when I said I will be keeping you in my prayers because I know they do wonders. If you ever feel the urge ask me about the car battery story....it might make ya think. ; ) (see this is where we need a winky smiley face)
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2005/05/26, 05:42 PM
My hubby and i have been together since we were 16 (32 now) married at 20....No kids just 2 cats and a happy life. I believe that childhood sweethearts can turn out to be the best relationships (my parents will be celebrating their 35th next week...) but make sure you are doing it for the right reason...My best to you...If you truly love each other things can work out right for you...Remember you have to be there for the good times and the bad...and always stay friends...this strengthens any relationship
PAT
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2005/05/26, 07:39 PM
Derek,
From reading your posts I am very impressed with the thought that has went in to each one. Very impressive for a 16 year old.
I could tell you my sad story but if you have made up your mind one more won't do any good.
The only thing I will say is you both need to stay in school and go to college. As so many others have posted marriage is work for both of you. Its not a free ride.
Remember to always respect one another, now that doesn't mean allow either of you to walk all over the other.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders so I am sure you will do whats best for you. That really is the main thing, this is going to have lasting effects on the rest of you and your fiance's life.
If I had to do it over again, I would opt for adoption. I love my daughter very much but it changed the rest of my life, not always in a good way. No college, no good job, etc.
Good luck in whatever you decide, only you can decide what is right for you.
Leslie
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2005/05/26, 07:51 PM
Thank you for everything you have said. I do hope that this will turn out for the best, we are planning on staying in school and going to college. The help of my father in this I am tremendously grateful for, I don't know if it would work out financially if he wasn't in this with us. Again, thank you all for all the help you have given, and I will keep you updated. Take care.
-Derek
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2005/05/26, 08:33 PM
Not to sound like an asshole.......but its YOUR kid.....not your dads. If you where man enough to step up and have sex........then take responsibility for it and the decisions you have to make. Your dad supporting the kid should NOT be an option.....he already supports you, maybe your mom and if you have any sisters. This should be his responsibility.....its yours and your soon to be wife's.
"I'm actually an Atheist. But for those of you who do believe in Christianity, keep us in your prayers. I don't believe in any higher power myself, but if I am wrong about religion, any help from any one or any being would be wonderful"
You just said your an atheist? but you want our prayers? You just contradicted your own beliefs with that phrase..........i'm extremly confused..........you don't beleive any any higher power than yourself........but you want help from GOD.......whom you don't believe in........if you don't beleive in GOd , how can you hope he helps you, if he don't exhist in your mind?
No offese again man if I steped on your toes.......buts that pretty screwed up to me......
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" The only true eye, is your minds eye"- plato
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2005/05/26, 10:46 PM
Sorry I should have been more specific with the atheist thing... Atheist was the wrong term to use, I should have used the term "agnostic".. I do not believe that there is one right religion. I believe people get to paradise in their own ways. Some people believe that you can be a great person, but if you don't believe in God then you'll go to what they call "Hell". I don't believe that, I believe enternal paradise is not acheived by "worshipping" something or someone, but by how you live your life.. I once was a Christian, I believed in God and I believe that he did help me.. I'll just tell the story from when it started.. When I was 11 I was raped, when I was 11 I became a meth addict, when I was 12 I was sent to rehab, when I was 13 I got out of rehab, tried to kill myself and was sent to a mental hospital for 2 years.. I do believe that there is a God that will help you if you believe he will and I believe that he did once help me. However I believe that only certain people are meant to have his/her love. The higher power I once praised turned his/her back on me when I was 11, that's why I believe I was raped. I tried to ask him/her for help, I never got it, that's why I turned to drugs and later on tried to kill myself. I'm sorry I didn't make it more specific. I "do" believe in a higher power, however I don't believe that he/she will help me, I think that they have turned their back on me and will not accept me due to the things that I have done. In the Bible it says not to damage your body because that is God's temple, I was a drug addict so obviously I did that. One of the 10 commandments are "though shall not kill", when I was 11 I was convicted of attempted manslaughter because I tried to kill the man that raped me.. Many other things happened following that, and that is why I believe that the higher power turned their back on me and will not help me.. However, I have many friends who the higher power still loves them and helps them.. I believe that there are many of you who have a higher power that will help you.. I have a friend named Bobby that has Cystic Fibrosis, he was supposed to die when I was 12.. He was a very strong Christian and I believe that is why he lived. I do believe that "God" will help people and I do believe that he is there. I just choose not to worship him because I am not worthy of him and he does not want me to be a follower of him (or atleast that is what I believe). If God will help you, perhaps your prayers will help Tondra get through this. I don't believe they will do anything for me, but what I meant by "we need your prayers" is that hopefully if he/she still listens to you, then he will help us or maybe even just Tondra.. Cause I know he will help me if I were to pray...
This is not my dad's responsibility, you are right about that. It was not my dad's responsibility to send me to a rehab or mental institution to help me get off of drugs and keep me from killing myself, that was my responsibility.. He did it anyways because he wanted what was best for me.. Right now I want what is best for this child and so does he, and we both know that I will not be able to do it alone.. This is why he has agreed to help us..
I hope that cleared some things up.. No offense taken Andrew, don't worry about it.. I think your a really good guy and I know your not going to go off purposely attacking me. Constructive criticism is a good thing and I realize that.
-Derek
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2005/05/26, 10:51 PM
Typo on the last sentence of the 1st paragraph. I said "cause I know he will help if I were to pray". "Will" should be "wont", sorry if that confused any of you while reading it.
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2005/05/26, 10:54 PM
Hey - ease off there, BA, think about his age... how long did it take for you to define your belief system?
I don't envy your situation dvelswk. I know that if I were in your shoes at your age, I would be way introspective. If I were a parent, personally, I would not want my child to get married only for the sake of a baby. Marriage is one thing. Supporting your girlfriend and owning up to your sex. activities is another in my opinion.
You are SO DAMN YOUNG to be dealing with such big issues, really. As someone else said, there is SO MUCH that goes into your 20s with defining yourself. I was raised strict Christian and am agnostic. It was a crazy growing up period, but I am so much at peace with things now.
The biggest thing I can say to you is trust your heart, it won't steer you wrong. Just make sure you are making this decision for you. Either way, you need to support the kid you brought into this world!
You will be just fine, I'm sure of it!
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2005/05/26, 10:57 PM
I just read your post and it really touched me. You should NOT have gone through what you have gone through, dammit. This s*** makes me so mad - what the h*** is wrong with the world....
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2005/05/27, 12:51 AM
Dude, you should definately seek premarital counseling if you go into marriage. The only thing I regret about my own marriage was skipping the session. I dont believe you should marry solely becuz of pregnancy, but if you do chose to commit make sure you get a greater support network to help you out these next few years..
You're original post asked for age of marriage info, so here it goes
I was 21, he was 22. He was previously divorced.
We were engaged Christmas of 2001 and eloped (sp?) and wed March 29th 2002 in a courthouse. Our wedding date had been June 22nd, so the keepsakes are a lil jacked up, and our honeymoon wasn't untill June 23rd. We have 2 kids and have been married 3 yrs. I believe both of us are still happy with our relationship, but that is speaking for him.
If you do marry- have a honeymoon. Even if you cant afford to go somewhere special, get someone to hook you up so you can take a few days off of work. It's super important to get to bond as a married couple. Please take good note of this. I was already pregnant by the time I went on my honeymoon, I know what I'm saying here. Once a baby comes your relationship as a couple will suffer in TLC, becuase you will be sacrificing time/sleep/and $$ to care for this very demanding little person. It will get better as the child ages, but for real those first 2 years are hard!
Marriage is hard in and of itself, becuz it's a serious thing to live forever with another person. I would reccomend 2 books to you that I've read recently to sort of make up for the premarital counseling we missed out on. A good marriage takes effort. So I will risk embarrasment by admitting to reading self help books :big_smile:
The five Love Languages, by Gary Chapmen (they have a mens edition if you like, but I suggest she read it as well)
Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas. I will warn you this book has a strong christian slant, but it is an excellent viewpoint to consider and worth reading regardless of your end take on things.
GL
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Life is hard: No-one makes it out alive.
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2005/05/27, 05:57 AM
Well, I was with my husband since I was 13 and we got married last year when I was only 16. When I first got married, I didn't really know what was instore for me. I came to learn that being married was a lot harder than it appeared to be. I married into the Army as if being married and taking care of my self and another person wasn't hard enough. Please think about getting married harder. I know having a pregnant girlfriend is stressful, but you shouldn't do it without a lot of thought. I am not saying marrying my husband was a mistake, because it wasn't, I love him with all of my heart. I just wish I would have waited. I wish I could have experienced parties, college dorm rooms, and dating(more than I did). Remember, the choices you make now will effect you in the future.... it will also effect your girlfriend. You two need to think about this very seriously.
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2005/05/27, 06:23 AM
You say he didn't help you , and you said he turned his back on you? Maybe it cause you turned your back on him........all the stuff that has happened to you... yes is screwed up.....but there is good and evil in this world.
"It was not my dad's responsibility to send me to a rehab or mental institution to help me get off of drugs and keep me from killing myself, that was my responsibility.. He did it anyways because he wanted what was best for me."
Being on drugs and suicidal is different from getting a girl knocked up man........
You said god didn't help you..........hmm I find that funny you say that........yes you where raped........did you die? You went threw drug rehab...as far as I know your off of it? did you die and are you drug free? yes? Are you dead from trying to kill yourself? no...........God works in mysterous ways.......but if he truly "turned " his back on you and didn't care........YOU'D BE DEAD.
How many peopel in america......go threw drug rehab and come out clean.......and don't get back on it?
How many people get raped, die, get a diease? Alot
Maybe you shouldn't "point a finger"......and say god turned his back on me.........
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" The only true eye, is your minds eye"- plato
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2005/05/27, 08:54 AM
You have some nerve, BA. So you're saying that God, if would turn his bach on his child at the age of 11 because he was reprehensively mistreated, abused, and treated like trash? You have some nerve. A young kid is raped of his innocence, and not knowing what or who to blame, blames himself (by considering suicide) blames the perpetrator and God. That is f* up BA. Some people should shut up and keep their opionions to themselves.
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2005/05/27, 12:18 PM
Cause I know he will help me if I were to pray...
So maybe I am way off on this....but if you know he will help you if you pray....then why not pray? It can't hurt. Looking at it from your point of view, worst case scenario, nothing will happen. But what if something DID happen just because you asked for it this one time? Just curious. :)
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2005/05/27, 06:57 PM
To Cristalbelle: When you quoted me by saying "cause I know he will help me if I were to pray", in my following post I corrected that typo that I made. What should have been said was "cause I know he wont help me if I were to pray". If that was not a typo it would have contradicted everything that I had said in the former post. Sorry for the typo.
To bigandrew, yes suicide, drugs, and sex are 3 completely different things, but they all have 1 thing in common.. They were "my" problem, not my dad's. That is the point that I was trying to get across.
Shit happens to us all I agree, I do not ask for sympathy of what has happened to me, this does nothing for you but rehash the situations and bring you down. The only reason I told my story was to give you a better understanding of my beliefs.
Perhaps I did turn my back on him, but I did not turn my back on him before he did me. I prayed for a long time after all this happened and things got worse. This is why I chose to turn away from him because I believe that Christians are meant to be moral people who to a certain degree follow the rules of life. I am neither of those.
I do not believe that it was God that helped me survive through my situations.. How many people are raped and survive? I don't know the statistics but I have 6 people including me in my family and 4 in which have been raped. They are all still alive. How many people get on drugs, go through rehab and get clean. Again I don't know the statistics but I can think of 11 friends off the top of my head that have, not including myself. How many people try to commit suicide and survive? The 4 people in my family that were raped have all tried to commit suicide and they all survived after being inhospitalized. It is not rare that one survive from these things, maybe all 3 could a different story but it does happen. All things that you get through in life do not always rely on God. You can't go through you whole life and expect God to do everything for you, you are the one that has to make your own decisions.
-Derek
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2005/05/27, 07:43 PM
I never said that..........
whatever that is your trying to say.
why is he to blame god? If you believe in god then you believe in the devil.......the devil is the one that tries to get you away from god. I think it was JOB that wa sin the desert, the devil took away his family, made him walk the desert alone, and made him have hives al over his body.....all make him swear at God...for these things. He cursed the day he was born but never cursed at god.
I never said god turned his back on him. read it again.....there are some "IF;S" in there.......so don't jump down my throat!
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Quoting from nikkilind:
You have some nerve, BA. So you're saying that God, if would turn his bach on his child at the age of 11 because he was reprehensively mistreated, abused, and treated like trash? You have some nerve. A young kid is raped of his innocence, and not knowing what or who to blame, blames himself (by considering suicide) blames the perpetrator and God. That is f* up BA. Some people should shut up and keep their opionions to themselves.
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" The only true eye, is your minds eye"- plato
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2005/05/27, 07:50 PM
Also maybe god has somthing in store for you.......there are alot of people in this world who have been raped, on drugs etc. who go to councling......however lack somthing. SOme counclers may have PH.ds etc in their field......however you have somthing different... real world expierances. You know what its like to be hooked on drugs.....know what its like to be suisidal.....you have insight on stuff some do not.......maybe you should use this to help others.
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" The only true eye, is your minds eye"- plato
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2005/05/27, 07:53 PM
Hey Derek
I am new here and just stumbled upon your posts, and I just want to say I am sorry for everything you are going through. i'm sure you're not looking for sympathy but it just pains my heart to hear what your life has been like when so many other people have no idea what it is to suffer. But the thing that makes me the saddest is to think that you think God has turned his back on you... I know you have been through a lot but it is not too late for you to have a good relationship with God. It is never too late! Just because bad things happened does not mean you have to face the world alone without God's love, because he does love you. You just have to come back to him. God has made such a difference in my world that i could not imagine existance without him... so my prayer will be for you to find your way back to him.
In the mean time I think it is awesome that you are stepping up and being a man by taking care of your girlfriend and future baby. You sound like an extremely intelligent and kind person. I agree with what the others said about adoption - that it could be a good choice but it is up to you. I have no idea what I would do in your situation. But as for me I have been married, I was 19 at the time and thought I was being wild and crazy and married my boyfriend of 6 months (who I was in love with of course).... surprise surprise it ended in divorce. I didn't truly know who he was when we got married and found out the hard way. But enough about that, you have been together for a long time so its different
Good luck keep your head up
Renee
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2005/05/27, 08:50 PM
Hey - I was reading over the marraige post and I wanted to reitterate some of what was said.
You really do seem to have an amazing head on your shoulders for a young man at the age of 16. I definiely wasn't that "together" at 16.
I think the engagement as a symbol of your commitment is genuine and beautiful.
I love bigandrew but I don't know why this had to become so harsh... Take from it all what you will, jsut remain true to yourself. I'm guessing you've touched a nerve close to his heart. We all react strongly to things we are passionalte about! :love:
Feel free to drop me a line any time. But I wanted to let you know that I think you're doing a very well with the situation you are in. And let me tell you - if your dad's willing to help out that's AMAZING! If he's a pharmacist he's likely educated. And as a pharmacist it is very likely that he fully comprehends the importance of getting a college education. You have the rest of your life to repay him. Just don't ever forget what he's willing to do for you and NEVER take advantage of his generosity and kindheartedness. And make sure you find a way to repay him! Your father seems amazingly supportive and for that you are truly fortunate. So many well meaning parents absolutely lose it if their child is having a child. With his help (not his acceptance of your responsibility - just his help) your child will have a better chance of growing up happy and healthy. It sounds as though you have definitely made the decision to keep the child so having a strong support system around you is integral. There is nothing more important in a child's life than family. Nothing.
Do NOT give up.
And about the whole religion issue - I'm agnostic too, I like different parts of different "faiths" and I put them together in a way that suits my feelings. The closest to my heart are the north american aboriginal beliefs. I love the concept that everything has a spirit and is somehow linked. I love that. But ask a true "follower-of-christ" and I'm a pagan! (which, by the way, is fine with me because I'm a HAPPY pagan!) You'll determine what you want to believe as you get older. At 16 I would say I felt exactly the same way you do! Actually, no, I probably was more uncertain than you seem now.
One more thing: the higher power (God or wnat ever you want to call it) did not turn it's back on you. It knew you would survive and it made you a stronger person. You are now able to relate to many people on a very intimate level who have had bad experiences similar to you. Your strength can help to strengthen others. I was raped at 13 so I really believe that. I understand where your confusion is coming from. But you're the kind of person who will one day say "Screw him! He will NOT have control over the rest of my life. I am going to find a way to grow from these horrible experiences and use it to make myself a better person." You will be amazed at how good it feels to say that when the time is right.
I want to give you a big hug! You've brought a tear to my eye. You're an amazing man. Period.
I wish you all the happiness that you deserve.
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2005/05/28, 06:37 AM
"You really do seem to have an amazing head on your shoulders for a young man at the age of 16. I definiely wasn't that "together" at 16. "
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I 2nd that......theres no doubt in my mind about that
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" The only true eye, is your minds eye"- plato
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2005/05/29, 04:59 PM
Thank you for all the help/advice given. I do truly appreciate it. I would like to end this post now.. I see that it is helpful sometimes, but at other times certain posts just get you more frustrated. So if that's ok please don't post on this anymore. I mean you can if you want but I will be leaving the post. Again thank you for all the help, I really appreciate it.
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