|
2006/02/03, 01:04 AM
well said sstump.....
What you daughter witnesses now will affect her for the rest of her life. As well as how she perceives relationships, her self esteem, etc.....
|
|
|
|
2006/01/29, 09:19 PM
K heres my one of many issues , My byfriend is always stating that if i just firmed up more id look good . So im lost . every one i meet at the gym and at my work thinks that i could enter a comp now ( even though i know i still have some work ) But yet this man of mine continues to say that i could lose lbs and tone up ?? I weigh in at 110 , my body comp is at 17.8% so really what else can i do ??? any thoughts . :cool:
--------------
MMM my body hurts but damn is it looking fine
|
|
2006/01/29, 10:04 PM
Ask your bf what he weighs and then lose that much weight, if ya know what I mean. Anybody who's that concerned about a few pounds isn't worth putting up with. You seem to think you look fine. Who gives a rats a$$ what he thinks, just don't go getting all shallow and superficial, it's very unattractive. The last girl I was with was kinda heavy when we first started dating(but mentally she was genuine) and after being with me for a while and getting down to what she used to weigh in HS she got all uppity and is hittin' the circuit now. It hurt a little at first but I'm all-right with it now. When she realizes what she's become, she'll hurt too. Main point is stay true and be happy with yourself, as someone here told me not that long ago, "Love of yourself is first and foremost", words to live by.
--------------
Seize the day!
|
|
2006/01/30, 04:40 AM
Well said Mojo...
"My byfriend is always stating that if i just firmed up more id look good "
that implies that he doesn't think you're good looking right now....which is quite insulting...I don't understand that statement...
17.8% bf is quite skinny....for a female....18-25% is about average for women....sounds like he's overly superficial....nitpicking....is he like a fitness covermodel for magazines that he says that?
|
|
2006/01/30, 03:42 PM
I am right there with mojo and menace... lose the boyfriend and keep on keeping on:) What a jerk.
--------------
In truth, people can generally make time for what they choose to do; it is not really the time but the will that is lacking.
- Sir John Lubbock
|
|
2006/01/30, 04:40 PM
i'd have to strongly agree, i want to see a pic of him???? Unless he looks like Christian Bale or even Menace, he has no room to talk and even then...WHAT COJONES THAT MAN HAS! Some people are just never satisfied.
You would do better off with someone else.
Good Luck!
--------------
Bettia.... You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-Mark Twain
ravenbeauty@freetrainers.com
|
|
2006/01/31, 01:49 PM
Ditto Ditto Ditto Ditto...enough said.
|
|
2006/01/31, 02:01 PM
yup!
--------------
Scales are for dead weight: We are not dead yet!
Still trying to find out how to do the Hollywood Free Press.
Ivan
Montreal Canada
|
|
2006/01/31, 06:26 PM
Thank you for all the feed back . And no he is no model at all (far from it ) He is 5"7 and weighs in around 260 . Which i dont mind . But its really starting to wear me down with his compliments . Before i had my daughter i did body comps , And now am aiming to get back into it . I feel this is one way of him tring to dominate me ( making me self consious ) . But it only makes me train harder . I would leave him if we didnt have a 2 year old together . And a family for her is more important then my feelings at this point in her life . I try and raise her with an opened mind , adn to be caring towards all . I am not a girlie girl at all . I was raised in a very compassionate , loving , strict family . so I know i could never be a snooty prima self glotting creature .:)
|
|
2006/01/31, 07:48 PM
jurni, you sound like you got a good head on your shoulders so I'm sure you'll do what's best for yourself and daughter. Just remember...no one has the right to judge another. If this is happening it needs to brought to his attention. I know people who's relationship consist of one being in control and the other being controlled. This is very pathetic to watch not only for friends and family but eventually your daughter. You deserve better. Devise a way to show him all are equal, otherwise your never going to truly be happy. Trust me. The longer this is allowed to continue the worse it will get. I'm not saying you should leave him, but you have to think about yourself and daughter. Time + unhealthy relationship = WASTED TIME.
Try to to make your bf understand this.
--------------
Seize the day!
|
|
2006/02/01, 06:01 AM
well stated Mojo
anyone at 5'7 and 260 has no right to say anything about how anyone else looks...that's just being hypocritical....unless he's a bodybuilder with 5% bf....lol...
What you may think is the best for your daughter may be exactly opposite....unhealthy relationships have a tendency to fester over time....putting you and your daughter in this situation would be counterproductive and unhealthy....unless you love this guy you're with and think that both of you are willing to take steps towards healing your relationship....couples counseling ...etc....
|
|
2006/02/02, 03:29 PM
Jurni...The mindset you have towards him is part of your problem. You don't want to leave the guy cause of your daughter...so what about when he starts treating her that way? Would you then? If you did, would it be too late for her self esteem?
So fine...that didn't do it for you. Put it another way...your Daughter will learn how to have a relationship from what she see's you do and how you live your life. Ask yourself if you'd want a man treating your daughter the way he's treating you. Because she'll go with what she knows when she gets older.
Don't get me wrong...talk to him and try to save what is there if you truly care for him. However if he's not willing to work with you on this then it's time to go. I can speak from experience on his side. I used to be a self concious a$$ about 12 years ago and I tried to bring my GF at the time down to my level. It took almost losing her to figure out how I shouldn't treat people. We're married now for almost 11 years with two wonderful boys and I make it a point that they know how to treat a lady.
|
|
2006/02/03, 12:03 PM
I have read all these posts and , Trust me i have thought numerous times on ways to get out but , Like i said i have been with him for almost 11 years ( since i was 15) And he has really i guess you can say set me up for nothing . Up untill i had to go on E I i supported the whole family , which didnt leave anything for savings. I m petrifide of having to try and struggle to make ends meat and not be able to spend time with my daughter . My Bro offered for me to move in with him and his wife . but I really dont want to be a burden also due to the fact that i may not be able to afford it . So at this point im feel kinda stuck , Untill my work picks back up im strapped and also untill i build back my confidence in myself to know that it will all be fine , I just need to live lifes chances and do it . Im stuck pondering on ways to improve everything .:)
--------------
MMM my body hurts but damn is it looking fine
|
|
2006/02/03, 01:37 PM
I've read these posts and was going to stay away from them till you posted this:
"im strapped and also untill i build back my confidence in myself"
I don't have any answers better than what's already been posted but think about it. You have an obese man who obviously has a self image problem playing power trip on probably the only person he feels superior to. That kind of stuff will make an old woman out of you early on and like menace said, it will influence your daughter.
--------------
Mike
in Pensacola Now.
|
|
2006/02/03, 02:53 PM
If you really love him and want the relationship to have a chance at success then sit down and write down all the things you want him to change in and then have a long talk with him about it. Explain how all those things he does make you feel. Also make it clear that you're no longer going to put up with his old behavior. If he really loves you and his daughter then he'll make an effort to change his behavior. Also I really suggest you go to a couples therapy.
Can you move back with your parents for a while? If your brother's offer is good and you're unhappy in the relationship then it might not be such a bad idea. You're 26 now so imagine yourself 10 or 20 years down the line. I'm sure your brother loves you so that he can help you out for a while as long as you put in the effort to change your life. Plus you can always show that you care and are trying by helping him out with housework or other things....
good luck
|
|
2006/02/03, 04:01 PM
Gidde-up Mike
Now stay with me people 'cause I don't want to sound like a bad guy.
But this is a very close to what my wife and I went thru, only thing is, I wasn't the bad guy my ex made me out to be. Instead of resolving any issues we ever had, she aired our dirty laundry all over the place(family, friends, work, INTERNET, etc.). This is not even close to fair and that is why I'm not going to take sides anymore with this thread, I mean we're dealing with someone's life here and this poor guy don't even know it. Who's heard his side of the story, nobody, he's had no chance to defend himself. All we know is what jurni says, who we in reality don't know any better than her him.
jurni, if your unhappy then confront him. What your doing right now is unfair and you have good people telling you to vacate on only your side of the story. That's probably the biggest relationship killer out there, outside opinions. Because most are based on one persons views or perceptions.
My wife came to me after being together for 10 yrs and said she hadn't been in love with me for yrs and left. Hadn't been in love with me? We had 3 kids together at the time, 3, 4 and 7. When I asked if she loved me when we had them she said no. What kind of crap is that? Stay with me now because my point is she had other people telling her she deserved better and could be happier because what she really wanted in her heart was to get her old life back where she was fancy-free. She just didn't want to be a wife or mother anymore. It's easy for others to say what you want to hear because it doesn't affect them. They're not concerned with the outcome. They just want to make you happy. Some may say they do but if it directly affects them, that's when you'll see true colors. Like my wife, they didn't care that she drug me thru the mud like you only read about. And mind you the whole time, I never saw it coming, we had our ups and downs but who don't. I always considered our relationship better than most.
Anyway, this is the part of your last post that makes me ill. When you said that your strapped, feel like a burden or stuck, all that says to me is, no matter what this guy is doing to you, we now know what your doing to him. Going around giving him a bad name and prolonging what may be the most damaging time of his life. This is not a lie you want to live, it's not fair to either of you. Other than my kids nothing makes me happier than having someone to be with. I remember how barren I felt when I was told out of the blue that the person I chose to stand by thru thick and thin decided with the help of her co-workers, family, friends and INTERNET companions that she was calling it quits. Not to mention the horror of not being with my kids. I ended up being one of the lucky ones though, even though my ex said she was going to take them, when it came down to it, she wasn't willing to make the sacrifice to have them. I was, I moved back in with my parents.
Ya see, this is why people shouldn't get involved in things like this to the extent we have because when it comes right down to it only you and him can get thru this, however that may be. Step up! Don't rely on others for support with questions you already know the answers to.
In my case for instance, I'd like to see the look on everybodies face that my ex ever spoke to about us, their jaw would just drop because she still only comes to see them about once a month and only lives 15 minutes away. And only calls when she's coming over. But don't take my word for it, she's not here to defend herself, she picked them up on christmas, then on my 2 youngest b-day in Jan. so you'll have to wait 'till mid Feb. now.
So, if your at the point now where your only staying because your strapped, then you need to be talking to him, not us. Tuff love jurni, not being mean...Just being REAL. Best wishes.
--------------
Seize the day!
|
|
2006/02/03, 04:16 PM
I know, I know, I know...Tons of typos and way too long. Man am I tired. I mean geesh, menace got a post in while I was typing. I need a vacation or something.
--------------
Seize the day!
|
|
2006/02/05, 06:16 AM
Mojo you made a great point...and that's the tough part about giving advice to people...especially when it concerns other people in their lives...she should talk to him...and 'air out' her concerns...if she's not in love with him anymore than she needs to be clear with him about it and not drag this on any more than it should...but it should be a well thought out decision, and she should definitely have a long talk with him about her concerns....
I mostly disagreed with her 'rationalizations'....for staying in a relationship.....my point is to heal the relationship or to end it before anyone gets hurt further...but no point in lying to yourself or others...and dragging things out....
|
|
2006/02/05, 06:41 AM
Amen brother.
--------------
Seize the day!
|
|
2006/02/16, 05:04 PM
All I can say , due to being in a hurry , Is that i took your advice and sat him down , TRIED to talk but as soon as he noticed what it was , all he said was to get my kid and my dog and to leave . So after 11 years and 1 adorable little girl , i am out . I dont have a clue yet to where but , All i can say is lifes has its journeys and now my daughter and I shall try and make a better start .
|
|
2006/02/16, 05:44 PM
You did what needed to be done jurni. Let it be his loss, he may come to that realization after being apart. Staying in a destructive relationship is unfair to all involved. If it can't be fixed, it needs to be dissolved. I hope your keeping you head up and have taken your brother up on his offer to move in with him, that's the kind of support you need now. Trust me, if you keep your head up and have faith in yourself, things will get better. You have a lot of people here that will help you thru this if you need it, myself included. I wish things would have worked out for the better, but I gotta admit, I'm for one am glad you stood up and said what needed to be said. Maybe in the future things can be different between you and him, but for now, worry about you and your daughter. You did the right thing.
--------------
Seize the day!
|
|
2006/02/17, 07:09 AM
Sorry to hear it. That's just pathetic. Can't believe he would refuse to talk things out after being together for 11 years. But better now than 11 years from now....Hopefully you can stabilize your life living with your brother for a while. You sound like a strong person and I am sure that your life will turn out fine. Best of wishes to you jurni.
|
|
2006/02/17, 08:11 AM
You will make it, jurni! If he is that immature, you are definitely better off without him.
By the way - your photos look awesome - you don't need to lose weight to look good - you look great now!
--------------
Never, never, never, never give up.
- Winston Churchill
|
|
2006/02/18, 09:55 AM
OMG..that sums up what is going through my mind right now after reading this. Sounds like he was trying to "control" you by taking away your self confidence. You look awesome and for anyone tell you otherwise is crazy. It's good that you tried to sit down and talk to him about all of this but in the end his true colours did come through. I know it maybe easy for us to tell you that you will be better off without him as everything in your life is up in the air right now but have faith and keep your chin up. Once you get through this you'll look back and say to yourself..why the heck did I stay there for as long as I did. I went through something similiar, however there were no children involved. I don't want to post all the details in here but if you want someone to talk too feel free to send me a message anytime. Just make sure you keep your friends and family close right now and if they want to help LET THEM. Lean on them. That's part of being a family!!!!!
Good Luck to you!
|
|
2006/02/20, 11:20 AM
As one door closes another always seems to open up. Move in with your brother for a few months till you can put away enough to get an apartment and someplace where you and your daughter can call home. Odds are he'll come calling on your soon and he'll expect you to come running back to him...but don't give in to him until he's proven himself and if that happens be on the lookout for the same old behavior (old habits die hard).
You did what needed to be done and there's nothing you could have done differently. If he's not willing to work on the relationship after that long then there's no reason for you to put your mental well being at risk to appease him. Enjoy yourself and your freedom. Some may disagree with this, but I say go out and splurge on yourself as soon as you can...buy you something that you've always wanted. It doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. Just something that you can call yours.
Also you look great! Just be ready when you decide to start dating again...cause you're gonna find that your biggest problem is deciding who to go out with on Saturday night! :big_smile:
|
|
2006/02/20, 12:34 PM
Wow reading alot of this I'm just amazed that after 11 years he told you to get up and go. What kind of person would do that? The only thing i can think of is thats just his initial reaction.
I'm a hopeless optimist when it comes to these things and believe he will come around. When he does i suggest couples counseling of some sort. Obviously you all have a few things to work out. He will eventually listen when he understands the seriousness of all this and that his power plays arent working.
|
