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My husband isnt attracted to me anymore

brchandler Posts: 5 Joined: 2006/03/16	2006/03/16, 12:37 PM My husband tells me all the time that he likes me the way I am , but when I weighed alot less he was more attentive to me and behind clothes doors he wanted me all the time , well in a year I managed to gain 55lbs and our personal life has come to a dead stop , he says its not because of the weight but in the following year before I weighed what I do now , I lost all the weight 55lbs then gained it all back this year . When I was big before he didnt pay attention to me , then i lost all the weight and he loved it , he says he likes big woman , but what a crock , does any man ever really like big woman , I pray everyday that I can lose the weight and keep it off , lose the addiction to eat . I want my husband to look at me the way he used to again. But being depressed over this isnt helping me.It makes me want to eat more.:(
Lonegirl Posts: 446 Joined: 2002/11/13	2006/03/16, 04:17 PM FIRST do it for yourself...to boost your self confidence. Men prefer a woman who likes herself. Make it a team effort...cook together, exercise together. Have fun with it.
gangstershoes Posts: 641 Joined: 2005/05/27	2006/03/17, 07:44 AM lonegirl hit it right on. confidence in your figure and adding alittle spice can help, and making steps together shows that you are both in the relationship for the long run. good luck.
mysticgraces Posts: 422 Joined: 2006/02/21	2006/03/17, 08:39 AM Hi You have to stop looking to your husband for your self confidence..Its very easy to judge yourself based on someone elses opinion of you.and very hard to stop doing it. You need to start valuing yourself as an individual and not just as a wife ,its a fine line I realize,because my ex husband devalued me all the time..It took a couple of years of soul searching to gain the strength and self esteem I needed to move on with my own life,and become "myself" again. If you are happy within yourself,secure and confident,it will reflect in all your relationships.Start doing things for yourself and no one else. Start an exercise routine that makes you feel good,exercise in any form,will help to boost your self image,simply getting outside for a long walk,will help boost your moods..The more you do it,the better you will feel.Eating properly,good foods will also improve your moods. Emotionally overeating is a hard habit to break,it takes alot more than just resisting temptation or "willpower",it involves some serious thought and often painful recognition of past and present events and memories. But it can be done...It starts with postive thoughts and postive thinking...replacing all those negative thoughts in your head with postive ones..For example,if you catch yourself thinking "my husband doesnt love me cause iam overweight" STOP midthought and replace that with "Maybe I do need to work on my weight,but Iam still a valuable good person" This takes practice,but like exercise,the more you do it,the better you get at it.... It took me some years of therapy to reach this point,and I still catch those negative thoughts now and again,,but its easy now to reach for the postive. When people expect perfection in others,or indeed we expect it in ourselves,we will be greatly let down,because there is NO such thing as perfection.There is only "the best you can be" So BE the best YOU CAN BE.... Good luck!
brchandler Posts: 5 Joined: 2006/03/16	2006/03/17, 05:04 PM thankyou so much for your advice everyone , it means so much to me , and it has helped me alot . But that is one real bad problem I have is that I have never had the self esteem i need to feel good about myself no matter what , weather I was skinny or fat i have always looked down on myself , but today is a good day and I feel good and I am working so hard to find myself again , one thing that is true is that getting married and having kids , I take care of everyone else and never take time for me , and you are right mysticgracies , I do base my opinion of my self based on my husbands reaction , down here in the South a womans worth we were taught was always based on her husbands happiness , but I am learning how horrible it is to teach young girls to serve a man her whole life , although I do love my husband , Why is always everything about the man? Thankyou everyone.
mysticgraces Posts: 422 Joined: 2006/02/21	2006/03/17, 05:40 PM Hi again I have 5 kids and I know how it feels to put everyone else first and you last..I told my husband that I needed to make time for me..a healthy happy woman,is a happy healthy mom and wife. Schedule some time for yourself away from the kids and husband..go for a walk,even if you get out for 15/20 mins you will feel alot better,more refreshed and able to take on the tasks of being a family woman again. Take small baby steps,this way your kids and hubby and you will adjust alot easier..Sit down and TALK to your husband about how you feel,he cant offer support if he doesnt understand the issues at hand
gangstershoes Posts: 641 Joined: 2005/05/27	2006/03/27, 01:30 PM baby steps on this is the key. Drastic changes often lead to conflict because the significant other suspects an underlying current/reasoning.
angboy Posts: 2 Joined: 2006/05/10	2006/05/10, 11:09 PM Message deleted by moderator due to unsuitable content for this board.
hardnfit Posts: 48 Joined: 2005/02/01	2006/05/15, 04:08 PM Ya gotta do the work-there is no easy way. Only you can make the decision' -------------- mind and body, like man & wife, never always agree w/each other.
swee_tee Posts: 76 Joined: 2006/04/20	2006/05/16, 08:10 AM Hey there, going through something a little different than you, brchandler. Since I have started to lose weight, my hubby doesn't seem to want me as much. Seems to me that maybe he liked it when I was overweight? Oh well, maybe he will get used to me at a smaller size again!!
angboy Posts: 2 Joined: 2006/05/10	2006/05/16, 11:12 PM My previous post was deleted but what I was saying is that there are men who are very attracted to heavier women but rarely admit it publicly. I would think that would be good news for those who have difficulty losing weight and might explain sweet-tee's husband's reaction?
swee_tee Posts: 76 Joined: 2006/04/20	2006/05/17, 08:38 AM I don't know about that, but maybe, angboy. I just wish that he would say that I look good or something like that, but maybe it is too soon for him to notice any change? I have often said that he is one of those guys that don't notice anything for a loooong time. Example, I had to give one of my kittens away, and he didn't know about it for a week!!! Oh well, maybe he will come around soon.
Lonegirl Posts: 446 Joined: 2002/11/13	2006/05/17, 09:00 AM What sort of shape is he in? It could be that he isn't happy with himself...Guy or girl sometimes when one's partner physically changes (and therefore often mentally changes) the partner not doing the big change can feel left out or a bit worried that they aren't good enough anymore.
swee_tee Posts: 76 Joined: 2006/04/20	2006/05/17, 09:08 AM oh, he is in great shape, better than me, and he doesn't even have to work at it. But he really just goes to work and walks all the time and climbs stairs, maybe his boss should hire me!! But he is really in good shape, but could stand to gain more weight, cause he is 5'11" and weighs only 150.
swee_tee Posts: 76 Joined: 2006/04/20	2006/05/17, 12:01 PM Yeah, I am doing it for myself, my health, but also so that I will look good in my clothes again!! And congrats on figuring out about how you two were relating to each other.
gangstershoes Posts: 641 Joined: 2005/05/27	2006/05/25, 11:01 AM as long as there are no underlying currents for losing the weight he has nothing to worry about, however his anxiety is typical just because it can be foresite for a relationship about to hit the rocks. If you plan things to do together I think you will see his views change quite quickly and actually be much more supportive. good luck.