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no longer attracted to bf

JennVice Posts: 120 Joined: 2003/02/25	2003/02/27, 02:18 AM so I recently saw my boyfriend after not seeing e/o for two months... he's gained more weight (and it isn't muscle)... I'm finding myself no long attracted to him. This is a BIG problem. He's almost 200lbs at 5'9 maybe 5'10.... any suggestions? he's a really sweet guy. AND he's worked hard to get to where he was a few months ago. He had lost 60-70 pounds over the past 3 years.
dpking44 Posts: 470 Joined: 2002/08/07	2003/02/27, 07:11 AM Whoops, that's a tough one jennvice. Approaching someone about recently gaining a lot of weight is delicate. My guess is he's had some type of significant change in his life, i.e., something stressful. It's easy to let the body go, I think many of us on here have had a battle with weight at sometime or another. I would suggest asking him how things are going and try to figure out what happened to make him change his eating/exercise habits. Then you can work from there to perhaps help him out. I think with you being in shape, you can turn the situation around and help him realize the benefits of being in good shape. The biggest benefit? Longer, healthier life. As far as the attraction part, we need to feel an attraction to our mates in some way or fashion and it's not something you should feel guilty about. However, I'm not saying it isn't easy. Sorry for babbling. lol DP
I_Am-aZon Posts: 893 Joined: 2003/02/18	2003/02/27, 08:48 AM dp's advice is good jennvice. Adding further to this, I think that if your boyfriend is a really nice guy and his personality is a good match with your own, perhaps he is worth the effort to stick with him and help him through this tough time in his life. Maybe he was upset about not seeing you that made him gain the weight? But the fact remains that he did loose a consideable amount of weight in the past and he just "fell off the wagon" so to speak. He can do it again - good luck to you both!
JennVice Posts: 120 Joined: 2003/02/25	2003/02/27, 09:33 AM Thanks to both of you. He's actually just started teaching, so I know that's been tough for him. But as for losing the weight, I'm not sure how he lost it the first time. He's not athletic... never works out. He used to walk everywher but now he drives (classes versus teaching)...
dpking44 Posts: 470 Joined: 2002/08/07	2003/02/27, 09:44 AM I see. Would he be interested in working out with you? Assuming you go to a gym.
INTRUDER Posts: 642 Joined: 2002/06/27	2003/02/27, 11:06 AM If he doesn't want to do it for himself it will never happen. -------------- "Get everthing you want--just make a little change now"
bb1fit Posts: 11,105 Joined: 2001/06/30	2003/02/27, 11:12 AM The first step comes from within, after that you and others can help him. Before he makes that comittment, you can do nothing for him. -------------- Failing to plan is like planning to fail!
JennVice Posts: 120 Joined: 2003/02/25	2003/02/27, 11:14 AM it's long distance... he's in CT... but even if I was there I don't think he has time. He's student teaching, so he works at a restaurant when he's not teaching or grading papers. ... i can't make him... you're right. Is that a bad reason to end things?
dougherty36 Posts: 89 Joined: 2003/02/22	2003/02/27, 11:14 AM When i got injured and had to quit bull riding, i really let myself go. Luckily I met my wife and she knocked it into my head to get in shape again, and I'm really working hard at it. Sometimes thats what it takes, alittle encouragment.
dougherty36 Posts: 89 Joined: 2003/02/22	2003/02/27, 11:18 AM Message deleted by moderator due to unsuitable content for this board.
Kalanchoe Posts: 400 Joined: 2003/02/18	2003/02/27, 01:11 PM If he treats you right then you have to question your reasons for feeling this way. Like, maybe you want out of the relationship for no logical reason (which is totally ok and fair enough) so you're looking for 'get out clauses'. If you really love him and its ONLY his weight hat is bothering you, then stick together, you've got plenty of time to get him round to your way of thinking. good luck! Katie xx -------------- My body only feels good when it burns!
Yahooo Posts: 18 Joined: 2002/11/04	2003/02/27, 03:56 PM If you were really into this guy, it wouldn't matter if he gain a little weight, You should help him get in shape If you care about him, give him motivation.
JennVice Posts: 120 Joined: 2003/02/25	2003/02/27, 04:04 PM i think what all of you said is good... it's definately made me think... I know when we were closer together I never worked out and ate really bad... now I work out and eat healthy... I think there are lot more changes that I just haven't identified yet. Unfortunately the only thing I've noticed is the weight...
Ravenbeauty Posts: 3,755 Joined: 2002/09/24	2003/02/27, 04:18 PM maybe try spending a weekend with him, if the chance comes up, as you said there were a lot of changes you made in the time away you two had, maybe there were for him as well. Relationships are not easy, they are hard, you have to work at them everyday for them to work. Sometimes the excitement isn't just going to always be there, no matter how much you would want them to. The question you really need to ask yourself is if you love this man. Did you love him before you split and do you still love him. If the answer is yes, then there is still hope. -------------- Bettia.... When you feel like giving up, take it to the limit one more time!! You will SUCEED :-)
Carivan Posts: 8,542 Joined: 2002/01/20	2003/02/27, 04:28 PM Long distance relationships are hard. Maybe that is the reason behind you wanting to end the relationship, and the weight gain is just the excuse. After-all, weight gain does not change one's personality. My wife gained 50lbs after giving birth to 3 children. I'm still with her and life goes on. Look at the whole picture before you make any drastic changes. Remember, you know what you have...you never know what you will get. -------------- Nothing is too small to know, and nothing is too big to attempt! Ivan Montreal Canada
dpking44 Posts: 470 Joined: 2002/08/07	2003/02/28, 07:06 AM <==Tried the long distance relationship thing. Got the mug and t-shirt.
effalunt Posts: 333 Joined: 2002/10/17	2003/02/28, 03:37 PM If you're worried about his weight gain in terms of his health, then that's a good reason to be concerned. If you're only worried about the esthetics of his body, then that's not such a good reason. Mind you, you need to be attracted to your parter, but how would you feel if he left because your body changed? Bottom line: if you think the relationship is worth it, keep going. If not, find someone (preferably living closer to you) who brings you happiness. -------------- Think you can or think you can't; either way you're right--Goethe
roni0906 Posts: 1,008 Joined: 2002/01/24	2003/02/28, 08:00 PM Well, you could always work out together. It is a lot of fun and you can keep each other motivated and look great together. I got my husband into the gym once I started to get my body the way I wanted it. It is great for us both and good for my daughter to see the time we spend with each other on fitness (of course when we were able to). -------------- Lisa Just laugh about it....
houseofdiet Posts: 161 Joined: 2003/01/07	2003/02/28, 08:30 PM When my husband and I student taught a few years ago we both put on weight... there are alot more expectations on you when you are a student teacher then there are when you are a teacher. If he is working that will definately add to the little time in his day. I found that I was so exahusted it was "easier" to go out to eat than to fix something which drastically affected my eating habits. Now that we are more established in our daily routines and have our own classrooms we are eating better. i even get together with some other teachers in the mornings to walk so that we get some good excersis in . We also coordinate things that we are working on and activities that we can do together etc. Maybe you could encourage him to try that.... I hope that things work out for you no matter what happens :)
JennVice Posts: 120 Joined: 2003/02/25	2003/02/28, 09:52 PM oh no... he definately cooks! He can cook anything... he says when he retires from teaching he wants to be a chef... I think the overall thing is, I wasn't that attracted to him to begin with ... and now that he's gained MORE weight... well... but maybe its just the student teaching thing. He's really stressed... I wouldn't even care but this was something that bothered me from the beginning.
Lumina20 Posts: 966 Joined: 2001/10/31	2003/03/01, 02:57 PM how long have you been with this guy? were you feeling deeply in love with him before he got off the plane or arrived at your door and then suddenly your heart sank when you saw him OR was it that you weren't really sure if you wanted to see him anyway and the fatness just added to it? if it's the latter then it's time to say goodbye to him...i mean if you're not really attracted to him anyway...I've been in situations where I'll date someone that I'm not terribly attracted to and then as I start to like them more the better they start looking, but it sounds like he never got any better looking to you. I dunno.