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2004/04/29, 01:57 AM
Okay... well my last boyfriend I had was in shape, a runner, worked out... Had a fab body and we would go to the gym together. It was great. But he was a lot younger, 22 and me 33. We broke up about two months ago unfortunately. Not my idea either. Bummer! But now I am back on the dating scene. Spent too many weekends home alone so I did the whole online dating thing. Well I saw this guy's profile, I liked his pict, liked what he had to say, etc. So we meet and well he is like 20-25 heavier than he was in the pict that I saw. I mean it is hard to tell with just an upper body shot of himself. But I could tell in the face. So I don't know.. he is real nice but a bit much for me. Calling me all the time, emailing and wanting to see me all the time. We went out 3 times and to dinner. Well lets just say he doesn't pick out the healthiest items on the menu. SO>>> about me, I am far from perfect and need to lose about 10pds. So I brought up an idea... I was like Summer is coming and do you want to do a health plan with me. I told him that I wanted to lose 10pds by Summer. He just only said, well I don't eat bread during the week and was having nothing of what I said. I guess eating healthy and having a healthy lifestyle is important to me. I want to be with someone that wants to do this together. We did go to the gym together and I thought he was going to have a heart attack he was breathing so heavy. I am not kidding either. He just couldn't keep up to me.
But I feel so bad about it all. Looks aren't everything. But I just cannot even see myself going to bed with him. Now that is bad, for me.
I don't know what to do really. If he could just lose the weight, I would be all over him in a heartbeat.
I feel shallow saying this too.
Do you think I should call it quits with him. Talk to him again about somehow....easing into eating healthy, etc.
I weighed a lot once too but it was due to medication I was taking. Now I am on something different and it helped me to lose the weight and also from changing my eating habits.
What to do...?
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2004/04/29, 03:47 AM
Fitness and healthy eating can be a large part of one's lifestyle; alternatively they may play no part. You might both need to respect each others different interests and do other things together. The person I am with at the moment doesn’t go to the gym and I would not try to make her, similarly she is perfectly happy to let me go off for a few hours each day and train.
If the ONLY problem were REALLY that he needs to lose a few pounds then I am afraid I would say you were shallow. If it's because there is not the chemistry there or you are unsure of the situation, don't feel obliged to do anything you don't want to. The fact that you are inventing “what ifs?” sounds to me like one of these is the case. If it's a good one, be honest and let things progress at there own speed. A bad relationship is often a lot worse then no relationship.
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2004/04/29, 03:51 AM
Wow, interesting post. I don't think that you should concern yourself with being shallow. There's alot more it seems that you might want to figure out yourself about what you want in a guy. I was in great shape and wanted to meet someone who was into fitness also, but my wife is absolutely not. She's gifted with a metabolism, so she always eats way unhealthier than I do. It's really about what eating healthy and working out is to you. The following is just my opinion. It's somewhat unfair to expect whoever you meet to have to be into it also. Nothing wrong with wanting them to be into it, but you've got to be okay with them possibly not being into it, or you can seriously make your dating life more difficult by putting alot of expectations out on whoever you might be interested in. Just think about this, what if you meet someone who is healthy, works out, then after a few years has some health problems, Thyroid, liver function, whatever and they gain alot of weight as a result? Are you going to dump them because if it? Love people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Just from what you said about this guy it doesn't sound like you're too interested in the first place, so the higher connection isn't there. If it was his weight wouldn't matter.
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My body is a temple, and my mind is the god I worship.
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2004/04/29, 07:53 AM
cainsands? Long time no hear from ya! welcome back!
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LIFT HEAVY! BECOME STRONG, LIKE BULL!
7707mutt@freetrainers.com
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2004/04/29, 07:48 AM
I don't think it's shallow. One, it seems almost like he's getting on your nerves. and Two, a healthy lifestyle is important to you, it's not about looks, it's about will he be around in 10 years. If you fall head over heals in love, his lifestlye now will kill him and why would you knowingly go into a relationship where you know he's not concerned about his health like you are.
he's probably a great guy, but you can't change him, he has to want to do it himself. Don't set yourself up for a letdown.
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It is no fun to be normal!!!
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2004/04/29, 05:06 AM
you're wasting your time trying to change someone who doesn't really want to change.
If you aren't attracted to him as he is you're not doing anyone any favours sticking with him, and the longer it goes on the harder it'll be to extricate yourself from the situation.
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2004/04/29, 05:17 AM
I think the most important thing for you to think about is that we ALL need people in our lives who accept us just the we are.
In a really good relationship, each person creates for the other, a space where that person can be exactly who and what they are without fear or apology. Whether who and what we are that day is good, bad or indifferent, each person has to have at least one place in the world where this is so. It's an effortless process for the most part.
This man deserves to be with someone who loves him, just the way he is and just the way he may turn out to be, and so do you. I like you, but I'd like you more if you changed this about yourself is not where good relationships start, it's where they start to end.
I don't know if you are shallow or not, but it sounds like you have a lifestyle that you want to share with someone and this isn't the man, even though he's really nice.
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Anni
*******
Have you hugged your EFAs today?
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2004/04/29, 02:40 PM
Yeah, life got a little messy.
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My body is a temple, and my mind is the god I worship.
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2004/04/29, 03:40 PM
Forget it. If you don't have the same lifestyle your gonna be at the gym while he is at the movies or in front of the tv.! NO your not shallow.:big_smile::love:
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"A will finds a way, failure is not an option"
Ivan
carivan@freetrainers.com
Montreal Canada
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2004/04/30, 09:24 AM
Sometimes you have to put aside trying to figure out WHY it isn't right, and just accept that it isn't. Trying to find the reason may make you SEEM shallow! Go deep - "nice guy, no kismet" is okay to say.
When you find someone that's right, things come together; it's chemistry. Being uncomfortable with his lifestyle and not being attracted to him, that sounds like a lack of chemistry to me!
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: ] ~Danielle
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.
~Benjamin Disraeli
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2004/04/30, 01:32 PM
hey i'm 21........i'm an aries , I like long walks on beaches, blue eyes, brown hair, 6'1"........ lol just kidding
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.......adversity causes some to break, but others to break records!
......minds are not vessles to be filled, but fires to be enlightened
......Confucious once said ,DO NOT play leap frog with a unicorn
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2004/04/30, 01:43 PM
and now introducing the freetrainers dating service...lol andrew!
vegas, i think this is something that everyone has dealt with. i know i think about this stuff all the time. it's natural to want to be with someone who will motivate you to reach your goals, not encourage you to sit on the couch and have another beer and bag of popcorn.
plus, as harsh as this may sound, we want to be with someone who we think looks at least as good as we do. that concept may be a little shallow, but for the most part it's true.
this guy sounds like he's really confident with who he is and he's comfortable in his lifestyle, which is in itself a good thing. but i wouldn't count on him making any strides to adapt to your way of life. the trick now is to find a guy who's confident with who he is and comfortable in a lifestyle that matches yours.
no vegas, you're not shallow, you just know what you want.:big_smile:
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success comes before work only in the dictionary. that's right.
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2004/04/30, 02:17 PM
well i think, you should get a life, i mean why so down on the man,hell is he that bad?
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2004/05/02, 02:03 AM
Hmmmm. I have thought a lot about this... And I really think it must be other things than the weight issue... Maybe just chemistry in general. You just don't know why you're taken by someone... and not by someone else.. I have really felt bad about this. My comments, etc. But for some reason, I know someone else other than me has been in this predicament. Sooooo.. I will say no more and see how it goes with time.
I'll be back to let you know how it went.
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2004/05/02, 10:12 AM
If it doesn't feel right, then there's your answer. Everyone has standards whether they are high or low, so no you are not shallow. He doesn't meet your preference. Trying to persuade him into dieting sounded a little selfish on your part, but not shallow. I don't blame you for doing that. You had an ex-boyfriend with a great body and that became somewhat of a standard for you.
I used to date short/pettite girls. I then dated a tall girl, 5'10". The whole time I was with her, which was not very long, I felt a little uncomfortable for the simple fact that she was taller than the other girls I dated. I felt terrible that I couldn't look past this minor detail, but it just didn't feel right(no inferiority complex here:) ). Don't force it VEGAS. He sounds nice, but a little too pushy. Go easy on'em.:laugh:
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AUGUST 14th...NEW YORK, NEW YORK...MUSCLEMANIA ATLANTIC STATES...I WILL BE VICTORIOUS.
LETS GO METS!!!
Jdelts@freetrainers.com
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