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Friday Funnie to Cheer

Ravenbeauty Posts: 3,755 Joined: 2002/09/24

2003/05/02, 12:56 PM Diary of a Trainee -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Diary... For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week! Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me. Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too. Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. Friday: I hate that creep Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. There was no part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &@#$*~ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you jerk!) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? and so on and so forth!!! LMAO!! ----------------------------------------------------------- Points to Ponder -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. ------------------------------------------------------------ The Top 10 Most Outrageous Exercises I've Ever Seen In the course of my experience working and training in gyms, I've seen people doing some incredibly "interesting" exercises. Unfortunately, it's usually because these people have not been properly instructed in exercise technique. Here are some of the top winners. Remember, these are actual exercises that I've seen people do. I made the names of the exercises up to match the lunacy of how they look. DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME! OR AT THE GYM! OR ANYWHERE!!! 1. Dumbell Hair Combs - Start by holding a dumbell in front of you. Do a front raise with it then whip the dumbell back and over the top of your head like you're combing your hair with it. Make sure to just miss your skull. 2. Hog-tied Face-Rubs - Lie on your stomach on the floor. Grasp your ankles behind your back and rub your face back and forth on the ground repeatedly. Continue until you've had enough. 3. Abdominal Earthquakes - Lie on the floor on your back in the classic start position of a crunch. Now yank as hard as you can on the back of your head up and down and thrash your legs around in the air like you're fending off starving dogs. This evidently works your abs. You will resemble Jello that has just been dropped on the floor. Your face should be as red as a tomato by the time you're done. 4. The Arm Wrecker - Do one cheating, momentum-filled rep of an arm exercise with ridiculously heavy weight then swing your arms around as fast as you can in a circle to get blood to the muscle. This technique will either help your arm grow or will smack the person waiting to use the machine/weights next. 5. Pelvic Demolisher - Stand with your fingers interlocked behind your head. Do a pelvic thrust forward and drop your spinal column down and backwards about 6 inches. This exercise is best done in front of a large group of people. 6. Dumbell Doggy Digs - Bend over at the waist so that your back is rounded completely over like an arch. Your legs should be completely straight and locked out. You should look like you are trying hard to touch your toes but not really succeeding. Hold two dumbells down at arms-length. Now spin them round and round repeatedly just off the floor so that you resemble a dog digging a hole. 7. Pec Rockets - Set the pec deck machine with far too much weight for you to handle safely. Make sure you are very sweaty and slippery before attempting this one. First, use your entire bodyweight to get one arm pad up to the front. Then, throw yourself at the other one to get it to the front. Hold them there for a half-second then get shot four feet out across the floor as you squirt from the machine like a greased banana. 8. Rush-Hour Bench Press - This exercise is done on the vertical seated chest press machine that has a foot pedal to help raise the weight to the starting position. Use this pedal at the bottom of every single rep to bounce the weight back up. Your footwork will resemble that of someone in rush-hour traffic going from 0 to 60 to 0 every 3 seconds. 9. Close-Grip, Behind-The-Neck Shoulder Press - Sit in a shoulder press station, gripping the bar overhead with about 6 inches between your hands. Bring the bar down directly behind your head. Be sure to lean forward 45 degrees and round your back over so that your shoulder joints and lower back each get their fair share of trauma. 10. C.P.R. Bench Press - Start by loading your safe maximum bench press weight onto the bar. Now add 20 more pounds just to be safer. Have your spotter lift the bar off the rack for you. Lower it 2 inches on your own power then allow it to drop and cave in your rib cage. Be sure your spotter is a strong deadlifter before attempting this exercise as you will need them to pull the bar off you at the bottom of every rep. When your spotter has pulled the bar off you after the first rep and is trying to put it back on the racks, yell out "I've got six more reps!" Remember that this is just a small sample of things I have actually seen people doing. Please be sure when you do your exercises that you take the time to learn proper form and, if you do see someone performing an exercise that is potentially harmful, tactfully assist them. -------------- Bettia.... The secret of getting ahead is getting started.