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2004/01/04, 01:22 PM
There are 14 yrs age diff with hubby and I. Me 25 - him 40. We have been together 2 years now. He is so selfish during sex. I can't stand it anymore. It's come to the point of me refusing to have sex unless he changes. Foreplay is minimal. He thinks rubbing my thigh while I give him oral pleasure is good enough. As soon as that's done, we have sex. Last maybe 5 minutes and as soon as he gets off, he jumps up and starts talking about work or something equally dumb at the moment. And I say as soon as he's done...that's what I mean. He never even considers if I've gotten any pleasure. Let me remind you the foreplay is not even long enough for me to get excited. It makes me feel used. And seriously the past week, I've not been giving it to him. I feel like what's the point? He told me withholding is not very good idea. So guess he's hinting at cheating???? He has in past relationships, but have not caught him cheating on me. He says I'm the only one he wants to have sex with. Advice PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Leea
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2004/01/04, 01:46 PM
Step back and look at what the issue is here. Have you confronted him about how you feel? Communication is vital in building a good relationship. As far as him hinting at cheating, do you want to be with someone who would consider doing that to you? You are in no way being selfish with your needs. Obviously you are serious with this person so it makes it hard to put yourself in a position that may jeapardize your relationship BUT this needs to be done or else nothing will get done and it will just create a snowball of resentment. Confront him, don't demand but rather compromise what you need from him. Set your standards and if he can't meet them then modify what you need from him. If that still doesn't work, seriously question the strength of this relationship and its direction. Love is blind and age shouldn't matter but he is in a different stage in life than you are. This doesn't mean he is better than you or "ahead" of you, it means he is in a different time than you are. THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. Ask yourself a few questions: What made this relationship work in the first place? What have we done in the past, together, that helped us get through times like this...how did we work it out then? Last...Where is the relationship going? Seriously, this is not the end of your relationship and I'm not implying that it is going to happen BUT something has to done. Good luck to you and I hope it works out for you either way.
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May the lift be with you.
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2004/01/04, 02:03 PM
I think I should have added some more info. I have confronted my hubby with this problem, but to no avail. This has been a problem for at least the past 8 months. Last week I even typed him a letter on the computer explaining how I feel about this. I even let him know that kissing my neck and back is my biggest turn on. Has he done it? NO! He says he just gets too excited because we wait so long. ok so last weekend, we had sex 3 days in a row...was the 2nd or 3rd dday any diff for me........no. He was still selfish and I didn't get any pleasure either time. By the time I get turned on, he's done. He honestly does not try to please me. Leea
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2004/01/04, 03:39 PM
This is a real sensitive topic. J gave you some good info, but let me tell you this. If it was my relationship, and that was happening with it, I'd have very long discussions, and if we couldn't solve the problem, I would suggest seeing a sexual therapist. Some people only know how to receive and not give or interact.
The cheating part is another issue. You WILL have to confront him on that one, because if he is not satisfying you, the who is he satisfying? Thats just my 2 cents and I'm 47.
BTW do you mind me asking? What attracted you to this man in the first place?
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"A will finds a way"
Ivan Montreal Canada
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2004/01/05, 11:35 AM
Not to be negative or anything but it is often true what they say "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." If he is not willing to deal with this problem even after you have confronted him you may be stuck with a long road ahead of you. I say seek some professional help. It is obvious that he has no respect for you or if he does he is clueless as to how to show it. BTW your problem is more common than you think. Many people find themselves in the same situation. At least you have the courage to try to do something about it.
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2004/01/05, 11:53 AM
Maybe you can both visit a sex therapist...sounds like you may need some spicing up.
Just my 2 cents...
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**_Robert_**
Pain is temporary; glory is forever!
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2004/01/06, 02:48 PM
Hey leea~ I am really sorry to hear you are so frustrated and unhappy. I know that feeling like that can be overwhelming. Another FT member, I_am_Azon, referred me to a great website and it has really helped my husband and I learn how better to settle our differences, among other things. It is called: www.marriagebuilders.com It is a great site. It sounds like quality time, ALONE, together is missing from your relationship and that is terribly hard on anyone. Also something Dr Phil says is that when sex is good it accounts for only 10% of the marraige, but when it is bad it is more like 90%. Meaning when the sex isnt good for both people, everything else is affected. You guys can fix this if you are both willing. And I dont want to start trouble, but dont EVER think they dont have time to be cheating, everyone takes a coffee break now and again and there are always women willing to accomodate. Good luck. Email me if you need someone to talk to.
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~Victoria~
...Do not be discouraged; everyone who got where he is, started where he was.--anon
...There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.--Beverly Sills
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2004/01/06, 06:07 PM
heheh ok here's the deal leea,
Just grab his hands or whatever you want done and put 'em where you want 'em. This sounds horrible hehe but it works. He's been trained by all these women that just wanted sex (most of them just wanted to feel something and have attention, they didn't care what type of attention, didn't care if they were touched or held or anything) so you have to start taking the intiative and train him to do it the (not necessarily the correct way) but caring way to where it's intimate not just sex. Anyone can have sex. It takes two people who care about each other and the other person's feelings to make love or make it intimate.
He may not necessarily mean that he's going to go cheat if you don't have sex with him he just means it's a bad idea because it is. I was watching or listening to some show about this topic one night and they said the worst thing you can do for a man is with-hold sex. It not only ticks him off but it makes him get a negative feeling that his own wife doesn't want to sleep with him. NEVER do that! ;)
Start doing little things gradually like when you're going down on him put his hands where you want them. He may think rubbing your back for a second is enough ... trust me he may not realize even if you have talks about it. If he stops doing something you like say keep doing that it feels good. I know you want more attention but complimenting him on how he touches you or where he touches you helps you get what you want. He'll eventually learn that that's what you like. And when he blames things on the girls he's been with in the past you're not them. You're you. And tell him that!
As for the lasting 5 minutes, welcome to the real world! AHAHHAHA I've only ever met one man that lasted more than 5 minutes and that's the man I'm with now. Another suggestion for making him last longer is have sex, wait an hour or so then do it again. He'll train himself to last longer. And yes, men can do it again!
And you two sound like you definately need more time together with just the two of you. DATE NITE!!!!! It's a must. Find someone who'll watch all of your kids for a night once a month. First Friday of the month or something. It's your night out. Rent a hotel, go to the movies and make out, make out at the drive-in, hold hands walking through a mall, do anything you want like you're kids again. My boyfriend and I started doing this and it's helping a lot. He's opening doors and everything for me now. ;) hehehe Make it fun and no arguing is allowed or negative talk or anything. That's a RULE!!!! If you don't follow that it's pointless. It's simply time together to remember that you love each other and why you got together in the first place. ;)
Ok ... all this talk about sex, I have to go! LOL!
Go get yer man and throw him in the bed and make him do what ya want ;) Woot Woot!
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2004/01/07, 02:52 PM
Man, laneylou you are one radical lady. I LIKE IT!!! I'll bet your man don't piss you off too often. As a side note regarding the witholding thing. I have a real nice German Shepherd. Loyal, Obedient, Stays pretty close to home, real good dog. But if I don't pet him every so often he will not stick around. He'll go somewhere else to sleep. My point being-don't be punitive but attempt to work through the problem.
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2004/01/07, 03:11 PM
Excellent post by laneylou and it is by NO means radical. I feel that Leea has tried to work through the problem by talking it out. If she is not enjoying the sex, I wouldn't call it "witholding" sex. Why should she subject herself to an unpleasurable 5 minute experience. Communication and sacrifice seem to be the key issues here with her relationship. Laneylou's suggestion would be a last-ditch effort for an already failing relationship. No offense leea, but this relationship sounds dysfunctional...I'm sorry for that comment but its time to do something drastic...
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May the lift be with you.
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2004/01/07, 03:26 PM
That was my point in my earlier post. I was just cutting up with laneylou. Sorry. Bad time/topic to add levity. I agree with you jdelts. Believe me life is too short!
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2004/01/07, 04:32 PM
oh geez, don't be sorry man, I get all into this crap because I'm a marriage counselor by profession...I'm sorry for trying to be a "know-it-all". I always enjoy your post agamble.
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May the lift be with you.
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2004/01/07, 04:45 PM
hehehe ... I need a marriage counselor! I need a counselor to help me figure out how to get my boyfriend not to be scared of getting married. LOL ;) I have all this advice myself but I need some too. HEHEHE
Cuteness agamble. ;)
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2004/01/07, 04:52 PM
Another thing I need help with is programming his memory! He seems to forget things every two minutes. I'll put hampers up with one that says whites and one that says colors and his clothes will be 3 rooms away in the bottom of his closet. How do you program that stuff? I've just quit searching the house to find his dirty clothes. Also how do you get them to stop surfing porn all the time? Should I start my own topic? I'm so confused and good gravy I need sex again. Toodles!
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2004/01/07, 04:56 PM
Ok ... just so you know for sure. Emotions aren't readable on here. hehehe I'm usually joking on most of this 'cept the sex part that is. ;) LOL! Later Baby gotta go bye! (Spoken in a very high pitched fast voice like Karen on Will and Grace)...
Just where did Superman go?
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2004/01/07, 08:45 PM
I love Karen!!! Oh god I thought you were serious. Not like I haven't heard those complaints from women clients before. I was about to analyze the whole thing and send you a personal message.lol
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May the lift be with you.
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2004/01/07, 09:02 PM
Looking for Superman? ;)
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"A will finds a way"
Ivan Montreal Canada
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2004/01/08, 02:30 AM
hehehe Kar is my fav! I'm like soooooooo loving her! hehehe I love when she gives the boys a shimmy hehehehe I do that and my boyfriend just cracks up.
heheh carivan ... Oh ... I found Superman baybeee!!!!;) All is good! He went from Superman to Mah Honey Bunches uhhh Oats. :)
Well shoot jdelts all this time I've been talking to you like you were another woman. I'm so sorry ... hehehe just realized you're a man when I looked at the pics. I never pay attention to who's male or female on here ... guess that comes with being practically married hehehe ;)
He does forget things ... I'd like to understand that a little better ...
And yes, he's terrified of marriage ... hehehe says he's scared I'm going to leave him and take all his money and his pwetty twuck. What in the world would I do with money and an F-150 Cherry Red Lightning? LOL
He also likes to look at porn ... I'd like to understand that a little better too and figure out how to stop it heheheheh
And there are a few other things ... Shall I mail you? teehee!
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2004/01/08, 02:40 AM
Who are the boys anyway? Jackie, Jimmy, and Jose? Are there any more?
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2004/01/08, 02:41 AM
Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, and the 2 Glens, Livet and Fiddich.
There we go ... :)
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2004/01/08, 03:18 PM
Sure, give me a mail...the porn thing can be a number of things...unfortunately or fortunately(however you look at it) we are all sexual beings with different preferences and fantasies. A good way to understanding why he looks at porn would be to ask him why and what it does for him(other than the obvious). Porn can be offensive to some and accepting to others, so that may be an issue, or it can be a jealousy issue as well. I am honored that you thought I was a woman this whole time. that means I sounded intelligable.LOL
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May the lift be with you.
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2004/01/08, 06:55 PM
Try and convert him to look at you instead of the porn!
Try some experiments! OK OK, I better stop before I get deleted!
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"A will finds a way"
Ivan Montreal Canada
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2004/01/09, 12:54 AM
LOL ... that'll be kinda hard. I don't look like Pamela Anderson and the media keeps teaching people over and over that everyone who's hot looks like her. hehe
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2004/01/09, 06:53 AM
Well, the media does have a point!!!
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2004/01/09, 06:56 AM
Just kidding. That stereotype has caused alot of hurt and heartache. Inner beauty is the key. It took me awhile to figure that out. I am glad I did.
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2004/01/12, 12:06 AM
hahah agamble. I'm just saying Marilyn Monroe was actually a size 14/16 and she was soooo perfect according to men, media, etc. Now it's not acceptable unless you're a size 6. It's pretty bad that "perfection" has gone down 4-5 sizes in the last few years. And some of these girls just don't look attractive to me at all and my boyfriend thinks they're hot as can be. Examples Paula Abdul looks like she hasn't eaten in years and he thinks she's hot. The girl on The O. C. is discusting to me! hehehe ... Now a normal weight is fine and not being over weight to me is good but the starving yourself and being able to see every bone you have through your skin is kinda icky to me. heheh
And don't anyone get me wrong either. I'm not talking about body building that's completely different, that's what you're working for is body building, not starving yourself. ;) hehe
I guess what I'm talking about is my boyfriends' mother eats about 1 normal human's bite of meat a day, a couple of pieces of fruit and a tiny glass of water and thinks she's healthy as can be. I know she's not getting enough of the every day vitamins she needs at all and her cheeks look like caves on the sides of her face. I can't hardly stand to look at her sometimes. hehe I just want to go get her a plate of food and sit with her while she eats it! hehe
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2004/01/12, 06:58 AM
It does seem as if the so-called ideal body type or figure has gotten 'skinnier', smaller, slimmer over the years. Compare the look today with that of women from the 40's and 50's. Huge difference. In my opinion that era produced some of the most beautiful women that I have ever seen. I myself prefer that type of look. Somewhat larger than today but shapely. But then I grew up watching old movies and such. Again, hopefully I have matured beyond the purely superficial in regards to the true definition of beauty.
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2004/01/12, 11:10 AM
;) agamble.
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2004/01/12, 05:47 PM
Getting back to the original post.....Perhaps if your husband would workout, tell him one of the benefits is lasting longer.
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"A will finds a way"
Ivan Montreal Canada
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2004/01/12, 06:27 PM
Yeah back on the subject. I'm sorry I changed it around a bit lea. I hope you got your question answered. :)
Hmmm ... I'll be back later. I'm taking my sweetie to the gym! hahah
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2004/01/12, 10:05 PM
My bad too. Sorry. I feel for you lea. Sounds like you really love the guy and want to make it work. Good Luck
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2004/01/13, 04:22 PM
My advice is to cheat on him.
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Hec da Rec in full effect.
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2004/01/13, 04:36 PM
Two wrongs don't make a right.
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2004/01/13, 10:05 PM
Well, I suppose that is an option. Unfortunately, it wouldn't solve the problem.
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