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2004/08/12, 02:55 PM
Last night while lying in bed, my husband showed me a picture in a frame of the two of us when I was 60lbs lighter. I said "I wish that was how I look now." And he said SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! He knows I have been working out, so I was kind of shocked, and when I said I have been doing something about it, he said WELL NOT ENOUGH!! This totally hurt my feelings. I don't know whether to tell him and have him possibly get bent out of shape because he didn't really mean anything by it, or just hold my tongue and use him comments as further motivation to keep working. Advice please!
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2004/08/12, 03:06 PM
My wife and I made a deal a long time ago. It was along the lines of this. When she say somthing that could be construed as hurtful or mean, I ask myself before reacting if I am married to the right pardner and if she really loves me would she say somthing deliberatly hurtful? She does the same. It has built a confidence for both of us thats pretty unshakable. In 24 years the thought hasn't crossed my mind that she wasn't on my side.
Choose your battles well, CristalBelle.
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Waterskis with buffalo
Charlie
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2004/08/12, 03:15 PM
Thanks Charlie. I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it sounded..it just came across so badly. I think I will wait for a day or two, and if by then I haven't forgotten about it then I will consider discussing it with it him.
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2004/08/12, 03:16 PM
Wow, I agree with Charlie. What was his tone when he said those things? Maybe he was trying to help. You know sometimes our men think theyre helping but just don't know how.
Does he really know how much you are trying. Maybe getting him a little more involved and he'll see how much your trying.
I guess I would have to analyze his tone. Was he really trying to be hurtful or just a man(no offense to some of you guys).
My husband and I made a pact when we got married (10 yrs ago) to always be honest,even if it's not what the other wants to hear. But to be honest in a way that isn't going to purposely hurt each other. It seems to work for us.
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It is no fun to be normal!!!
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2004/08/12, 03:21 PM
My point is that her tone or intention doesn't matter. We know we are firmly in each others corner. No tone of voice or thoughtless response will take that away. Makes for a quiet household. My insanity is almost always of my own doing where she is concerned.
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Waterskis with buffalo
Charlie
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2004/08/12, 03:38 PM
CristalBelle,
Sometimes things come out the wrong way. I've often accidentally hurt a family member or loved ones feelings because I gave constructive critcism which they took offense to. I prefer to have people around me who tell me the things I don't want to hear (not saying that you were overreactive) even when they might hurt my feelings. Sometimes I'll have to sulk (again, not implying that you did) but then I realize that sometimes I don't need to be babied sometimes I need someone I love to look at me and say YOU AREN'T DOING WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING!!!
Perhaps you should dig deeper with this comment your hubby made and see if something good can come from it. Maybe he sees you doing something that you don't realize is setting you back or maybe he'd agree to take an extra walk or two each week with you.
While your feelings are the important issue here, before you talk to him look at things from his perspective. Have you inadvertantly been complaining to him about things you could help, but aren't trying your best at. Do you have your goals set unrealistically to the point he's worried that you might fail? Make sure you know where he might be coming from before you talk, and I agree with Charlie he wouldn't have married you if he wanted to hurt your feelings for a living. If he happened to upset you, I am positive he didn't mean to do it. Maybe his parents used the tough love approach on him when he was a child or something.
Cheer up and use this positively!!!
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2004/08/12, 03:40 PM
I think that he may have been letting out some frustration about me having talked about working out for so long, but not doing anything about it, and hearing me say I want to lose weight but not seeing it happen. Thats the way it was the entire time we were dating. Now I am actually doing it. This morning I called him and told him I walked 1.75 miles, and he was so happy and said he was very proud of me. Who knows!
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2004/08/13, 09:08 AM
Good job CristalBelle!
Keep it up :dumbbell:
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2004/08/13, 10:07 AM
CristalBelle,
It sounds to me like something most guys might say because it's the type of things we've heard all our lives from our fathers, coaches, friends, etc.... It usually isn't meant in a mean spirited sort of way, just a misguided approach to motivating someone. When I heard someone say something like that to me I used it as a catalyst to work even harder. Just my two cents.
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2004/08/13, 10:38 AM
He was probably tired and forgot to filter it before he said it. My wife keeps talking about loosing wieght but until recently has done little about it. Luckaly I haven't said anything real stupid about it (to busy saying stupid things about everything else:laugh:) Good job with the walking!
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I will get to it as soon as I am done lifting.
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2004/08/15, 12:55 PM
Sorry you felt hurt, CristalBelle, it is hard to hear things sometimes about our weight situations, that we are already sensitive to, that we can feel really bad without the person really meaning it that way. As you found out when you walked, he is on your side! Sometimes people just don't know how to put things or think they are putting it right and are way off base with it, but bottom line is, like Charlie and others have mentioned, to love you is to support you, whether it comes out wrong, it is still someone that wants what is best for you! If I am hurt by something my husband says, I just tell him right then so I don't dwell, as does he, and then we are able to connect better rather than assume and habor hurt feelings where they needn't be.
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Veda
MISERY IS OPTIONAL
***When you are up to your ears in trouble, try using the part that is not submerged.
***The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
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