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2004/08/03, 02:16 PM
I know there was a thread about this posted by crulio a little while back, but this situation is a little different. This is kinda long but I need the space to explain the whole situation.
I've known my gf for 9 years, since high school. This is the third time around for us at dating and we've now been together 11 months. When I graduated HS in Cali I went off to college in Indiana while she stayed in Cali. We were not dating at the time but were very good friends. From my junior through senior year in college I had a 'relationship' going on with a girl at school who was engaged to someone else. During Christmas break of my senior year I began dating my current girlfriend for the 2nd time, and when I went back to school after the break I wasn't strong enough to end the relationship with the engaged girl. This went on till I graduated 5 months later. I gf and I broke up for other reasons so I saw no reason to tell her of my cheating and hurt her more. Now, 4 years after the fact she and I are back together for 11 months and were beginning to talk marriage. 2 days ago I came clean and told her what had happened years ago, I felt she deserved the truth and I didn't want a marriage with that kind of secret. While we havent broken up I've destroyed all trust she had in me, she was my best friend and the only person I want to spend my life with.
At this point neither she or I wants the relationship to end, she says she needs time to figure out how to trust me again. I'm just not sure what to do, the last thing I want is to lose her but I know she needs her space for a while. I dont want to push her away by trying to come back too early. Anybody out there that has forgiven a cheating significant other, can I get some advice?
Thanks!
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2004/08/03, 03:13 PM
All I can say is good luck. I would bet that even if she forgives, she will not forget. She will probably never trust you again. I always tell guys, never tell, but I am looked at as an asshole for that. All I know is that if my wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/bestfriend ever cheated on me, I would not get back with them.
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2004/08/03, 03:37 PM
Mr Bubble, I admire your courage in telling your gf,especially since you told her to make sure that in marriage there would be no deceit or secrets. I went through a semi-similar situation when my husband and i were first dating, and all I have to say is you have a tough road ahead. You will have to show her everyday that you have changed, and are trust worthy. She will probably want to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are doing it with for a while, and may be suspicious of things even when you are being honest with her. It took me 2 years to completely trust my husband again. Also, even if it has nothing to do with another "relationship", make sure you don't lie to her about things. If you lie about small things to her, she will atoumatically think you will lie to her about everything, and then you are back at ground zero again. Hope this helps, and if want to talk about it more, feel free to im me...I have a ton more suggestions. Good luck
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2004/08/03, 03:49 PM
Hec is right. I wish you all the luck, but you're sailing your ship into stormy seas for a long time to come.
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OSU Law Rugby....specializing in personal injury and pain & suffering.
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2004/08/03, 03:55 PM
Thanks CristalBelle, your post in Crulio's cheating thread was actually something I thought about hard when I was deciding whether to tell or not. This just all seems like a bad dream. If she wants to keep tabs on me, thats great. She means more to me than I can possibly say in words, and I cant believe that I just threw away whats now 9 years of friendship, love, and trust. I'm done with keeping things from her, she now knows more than anybody about what happened. I'd do anything to keep her, the trick is getting her to believe that. I'm sure I'll be IMing you for suggestions, thanks again!
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2004/08/03, 05:21 PM
My stance on cheating is very clear...and it DEFINITELY won't be what you want to hear.
If you don't have the 'strength' or willpower to keep from cheating or ending another relationship on the side (who was cheating) then you don't have the strength to consider marriage. I've always felt that if you feel the need to cheat in a relationship, then that relationship shouldn't be and you should break it off.
If you were on break when you were with the engaged girl, that would be something different (also the engaged girl...probably shouldn't be engaged anymore). But then again...people who go on break RARELY ever work out in the end.
While i said the stuff above...i still wish you luck in your travels because they are sure going to get rough.
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2004/08/03, 05:24 PM
CristalBelle has it right. Especially about the lying about little things. If you so much as lie about buying a pack of gum at the Circle K on the way home she will immediately think you probably called your old girlfriend from there too. Be 100% accountable 100% of the time, even then she will at some point, accuse you of being dishonest. Infidelity is one of the worst things to go through and try to recover from. You can stay together, you can even have a stronger more understanding relationship if you both want it and are willing to work through it. I think you did the right thing coming clean before marriage. Know that you will need to be patient with her and let her vent sometimes. Remember she just found out that her best friend isnt exactly who she thought he was. Now she needs to find out who he really is. Being forthcoming with information and answering her questions calmly will go a long way in restoring her faith and trust in you. No one can really say they wouldnt stay with their spouse if they cheated on them. The truth is you dont know what you will do until it happens to you. Best of luck to both of you.
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~Victoria~
...Do not be discouraged; everyone who got where he is, started where he was.--anon
...There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.--Beverly Sills
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2004/08/03, 05:37 PM
I'm with you Hec, specially considering how long ago it happened. Personally speaking I wouldn't want to know!
What's done is done but in retrospect don't you think you were just trying to clear your guilty conscience? The only thing you did for her was hurt her, it certainly wasn't a relationship strengthener. JMO :(
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Quoting from hecdarec:
All I can say is good luck. I would bet that even if she forgives, she will not forget. She will probably never trust you again. I always tell guys, never tell, but I am looked at as an asshole for that. All I know is that if my wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/bestfriend ever cheated on me, I would not get back with them.
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Damselfly
Whoever said that sunshine brings happiness never danced in the rain. \"unknown\"
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2004/08/03, 05:42 PM
Is there a difference here in this or cruilio's post. I can't see it. Do a fitbuddy search on cheating.:angry:
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Waterskis with buffalos
Charlie
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2004/08/03, 05:46 PM
Charlie, I think the difference is that he isn't asking IF he should tell or not, but asking for advice in how to heal his relationship now that everything is out in the open.
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2004/08/03, 06:00 PM
I have had the thought that maybe I told her to clear my conscience, but I also thought about how it would be if we were married and the whole thing came out unexpectedly. The lesser of the two evils was that I would rather have her go through a break up than a divorce. Just as a side note, I said before that this was our third try at dating, and this is the only time it hasn't been a long distance relationship, probably the biggest reason it was working great till I spilled the beans. I'm more than willing to do anything it takes to heal the relationship, I know she needs time to figure out how she wants to proceed. She has already said she doesn't want to break up, and that she still loves me. My biggest question is how *not* to mess up this healing time. I know that she needs time to herself and I guess I'm asking how much of a presence I should be in her life right now, and what little (or big) things I can do to help out.
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2004/08/03, 06:06 PM
Try not to overthink things. The more complicated the plumbing the easier it is to stop up the drain. A good relationship can survive anything [speaking from 25 years experience. The outcome will be the same no matter how much you worry.
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Waterskis with buffalos
Charlie
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2004/08/03, 07:59 PM
Personally speaking, I think you did the right thing. It's definitely better to have things out in the open and give her a chance to make up her mind, whether she wants to be with you or not.
My fiancee cheated on me. It was hard to take, but we had a child and I wasn't going to have my little boy grow up without a Dad. I stuck my head in the sand and pretended it hadn't happened. Not always the best way of dealing with things, but somewhere along the line I forgave him and we are still together.
I still have niggling doubts every once in a while, so even if she seems to get over it, it lasts forever. Don't give her too much space. It's hard to get a happy medium in this situation. Too much space and she will think you don't care, too much and she'll just get peed with you. Women are complicated things, I don't think even we know what we are doing most of the time.
Donna
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2004/08/03, 10:55 PM
One of three things will happen.
A. She will spend some time hurting and then get over it and you will live happily ever after, or
B. She will spend some time hurting and then decide that she can never trust you and break it off, or
C. She will spend some time hurting and then tell you that she can live with it but in reality she will harbor the resentment, watch your every move like you were going to do it again, and bring it up every single time you fight for the rest of your relationship.
Here's hoping it's "A" for you.:love:
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2004/08/04, 11:33 AM
Subjective and speculative answers....
It is in the past, both the act and the confession...move on.
Where I come from there is a tree with a hooked thorn and a pointed thorn paired on branches that zig zag their way upward...the zulu's look call it the tree of life, because that is what it represents....as you grow your life changes course, as does the branch of the tree, to become a big man (wise man)you should observe the lesson of the tree for at each junction in your life you are required to make decisions in order to progress.
The hooked thorn points back (the past) and the straight thorn forward (future)and in order to make your decision you should reflect on the past......
There is your lesson: your past..you erred in your judgement, so reflect on that and learn from it...Don't do it again. You told her, which created anxiety blah blah, reflect on that too...maybe you shouldn't do that again either.
Now make your decision and continue growing.
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2004/08/05, 02:05 PM
I just wanted to say thanks for everyone's input. The last couple days have been really hard and I know theres alot more of that ahead. I have seen her the past two nights, just really low key things but they were good, the important thing is we can still talk. We dont really speak of what happened but I know we can if we need to. It feels like we have just started over, and I know I'll do whatever it takes to make everything right. I just thank God for the 2nd chance I never thought I'd get.
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2004/08/12, 05:53 AM
She loves you if she gives you a 2nd chance so remember that. I've had it compared to a jig saw. You know the full story of what happened & she only knows what you've told her. She may now & then ask things to get a fuller picture as she only has part of the jig saw & has pieces missing so don't feel bad if she asks. Then again, as Donna says, she may just want to bury the past & move on. Either way these things take time & just try to judge the pace she wants to go at. Us women are complicated things & no 2 are alike but then so are blokes. Glad you have learn't it's not worth the longterm hassle & heartache as well as possible STD dangers/fertility etc. It's better you told her rather than she find out & feel bad you didn't tell her - I think that would have been worse. Work now on being there for her and your future. Learn from the past but also don't dwell on it but move on. She may for a while dwell on it like a relationship bereavement of it not being to her what it used to seem but it will heal with time.
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2004/08/13, 08:11 AM
<~can feel how much Mr Bubble loves her.... I hope, for your sake...she can forgive you, I would. Maybe I'm minority, but you told her now because you do want your future with only her, and don't want to keep secrets, she should respect that. I'm not saying it won't be hard for her to let it go, but continue daily building trust. If you're going to be together anyways, those days will come, and each day will be better.
Best of luck to both of you!
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2004/08/13, 08:12 AM
<~can feel how much Mr Bubble loves her.... I hope, for your sake...she can forgive you, I would. Maybe I'm minority, but you told her now because you do want your future with only her, and don't want to keep secrets, she should respect that. I'm not saying it won't be hard for her to let it go, but continue daily building trust. If you're going to be together anyways, those days will come, and each day will be better.
Best of luck to both of you!
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2004/08/15, 01:17 PM
Forgiveness and trust can be and often are seperate...relationships go through many forms of difficulties, some people cheat, some lie about stupid things, some gamble, some drink, some do drugs, the list is endless...I find it hard to believe that anyone has had the "perfect" relationship as we are only human, but if the committment is there, and this committment has to come from the offending party FIRST as without being honest with yourself and totally confident that you will not commit the "act" (whichever it may be) again, you will fail and there will be a repeat of the pain all over again. Next the partner must realize that they have a choice - to believe or not - it is truly that simple, not that the act of believing is simple, but knowing there are only two real choices is. If you believe the offending partner has come clean and is never going to repeat the offense again, you have to allow them your trust and some cannot do this as it is very difficult to put yourself out there to get hurt again. But by a combined effort of both parties it can be done. It cannot be done if a person decides to stay in the relationship with the offending partner but cannot put the past where it is and work on the future. It is work, but by communicating the choices and being honest with yourself and one another, being truthful in all that you both do, the future can be much brighter. Best wishes to you, just be sure you know you can make a committment before you enter into it or take your relationship further as the pain of being cheated on or lied to is a terrible thing to do to anyone, especially if they have given you a chance to be who you say you want to be......don't ever pretend to be someone else to please someone or to be with someone, it can become a very hurtful situation...but people do change, only if they are wanting to and committed to it for their own peace - not anothers.
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Veda
MISERY IS OPTIONAL
***When you are up to your ears in trouble, try using the part that is not submerged.
***The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
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2004/08/17, 04:55 AM
I think you are awesome for telling the truth. Honesty leads to intimacy, by taking this brave step, you are letting the fear go and trusting in each other. cheers!
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