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2006/08/17, 09:40 PM
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bisquick.
Bisquick who?
Bisquick, your pants are on fire!!!!:)
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You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.
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2006/08/17, 11:08 PM
LOL, that was dorky, but cute! :)
Summer Classes for Men:
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Bettia.... You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-Mark Twain
ravenbeauty@freetrainers.com
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2006/08/18, 07:10 AM
Subject: A Touching Story
A man was on vacation in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot.
There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen--thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.
One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, gently reached down with its trunk, picked the man up and slammed him to the ground killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln
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2006/08/18, 07:41 AM
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.
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2006/08/18, 08:06 AM
Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that creep Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. There was no part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &@#$*~ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you jerk!) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the stinkin' Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal, a mammogram, or a pelvic exam.
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\"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.\"
~ Mark Twain
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2006/08/18, 08:46 AM
That was funny bill...thats how I feel about ALL of the personal trainers I've tried....spawns of satan!!(No offense PT's!)!Especially when they ask...now doesn't it feel good to get that body moving? NOOOOOO!!!!!
I loved them after the first couple of weeks....but Lord I prayed for awfully devilish things to befall them in the first couple of weeks.
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2006/08/18, 10:07 AM
chees-nuts boasting in an open foyer!!!!!:big_smile:
Bill - that is one of my favorite personal trainer jokes:) I would guess that most of my clients felt that way about me at the club. You could tell by the look on their face what they were thinking during those heavy squats (and I think it usually started with B and rhymed with witch).
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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln
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2006/08/18, 10:19 AM
I think you have it amy...but we love you guys in the end!!
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2006/08/18, 01:56 PM
A bear walks into a bar and says "Bourbon....and a Coke."
The bartender says "Why the big pause?"
The bear says "I've always had 'em."
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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln
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2006/08/18, 02:09 PM
HEhe......
A blond walks walks into a bar and the bartender says " what will you have ? "
The blond says " I'll have a 15."
The bartender looks at the blond dunbfoundedly and says " whats a 15?"
The blond says rudely " Duh, its a 7 and 7. "
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\"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.\"
~ Mark Twain
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2006/08/19, 07:51 AM
this is too much to handle.
fitch x
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http://www.myspace.com/actionjacksonspace
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2006/08/19, 09:32 AM
Sven is sitting on his front porch one day, when he sees Ole, his next door neighbor, walk by with a penguin.
"ole, you should take that penguing to the zoo!" says Sven.
"oh, Jah, good idea" says Ole "I suppose that's what I should do." and he walks away with the penguin.
The next day, Sven is sitting on his porch and he sees Ole walking the other way with the penguin.
"Hey, Ole! I thought you said you were taking that penguin to the zoo?"
"Jah" says Ole "He liked it so much, today I am taking him to the museum!"
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2006/08/21, 08:46 AM
OK....I guess after that one I feel a little more secure about telling the only joke I know.
You wanna here a dirty joke????
The white horse fell in the mud.
I know...it's terrible.
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2006/08/22, 03:23 PM
Sorry if im offending any blondes out there but some of these are just too funny, if you dont like em ill stop ok, just say so....
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger.
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\"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.\"
~ Mark Twain
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2006/08/22, 10:03 PM
A man was walking with his nephew, as they walked they came across two dogs having sex. The boy knowing what the dogs were doing asked his uncle, what are does two dogs doing?
The uncle was embarrassed and didn't want to tell his young nephew that the dogs were having sex, so he told him, you see Billy the dog on top is hurt so he's buddy is helping him by carrying him.
Billy knew that his uncle was lying so he told him,
uncle aint that just like a friend, you try to help him out and he'll end up screwing you.
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2006/09/02, 08:54 AM
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
AND......
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of
sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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2006/10/12, 09:44 PM
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
>taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home,
>he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
>was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100,
>the cabby agreed.
> >
> >Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
>bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
>there was his wife in bed with another man.
> >
> >The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
>"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
>inherited money. He paid for the F350 Truck I bought for you. He paid
>for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season of Wild Tickets. He
>paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership,
>and he even pays the monthly dues!"
> >
> >Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
>He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
> >
> >The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
>catches a cold."
> >
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2006/10/13, 04:53 PM
I'll probably get slammed for this, but it cracked me up!
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and says,
"Do you want a widdle, white wabbit, or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and whispers:
"I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk.
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2006/10/20, 07:38 AM
Okay... So, this guy shows up ten minutes late for work and gets fired. He storms out, gets in his car to go home and halfway there he gets t-boned in an intersection by a truck. His car is wrecked, but he is okay. "How can this day get any worse?" he thinks as he gets on the bus to go home.
When he arrives home and opens the front door he hears moaning and bumping noises coming from the bedroom. He storms into the room, tears the covers off the bed and finds his wife screwing his best friend.
"Get your clothes and get out, you slut!" he yells at his wife, she starts crying and runs out of the room.
He turns back to the bed and says "Now, as for you - BAD DOG! Bad dog!"
(Sorry, I hope I didn't slaughter that one too horribly)
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AIM HIGH TIME FLIES
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2006/10/21, 01:08 PM
Cinderalla grew old and ended up living in a run down apartment. Prince Charming left her for a younger woman and she spent her days in a rocking chair with just her pet cat for company.
One day, Cinderalla sighed mournfully and began to weep. As if by magic, her fairy godmother appeared and said, "why are you so sad". Cinderella replied, "look at me. I sit in this run down apartment, lonely and poor with nobody but my pet cat for company. I am so depressed". The fairy godmother said, "don't be sad, I'll grant you three wishes"
Cinderella said that her first wish was to be young again and, with a flash of her magic wand, the fairy godmother transformed her into a beautiful young woman.
Cinderalla looked around and said that her second wish was to be really rich. With a flash of her magic wand, that wish was granted too.
Finally, Cinderella looked at the cat sitting in the corner of the room and said, "I want you to transform that cat into the most handsome man ever to walk the earth." With that wish granted, the fairy godmother disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Cinderella look up at the adonis sat where the cat was and smiled coyly at him. The man glanced back and with an evil grin said, "I bet you wish you had not gotten me neutered!"
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Homer? I know no Homer - my name is Guy Incognito
You're just a little soul bearing up a corpse as Epictetus used to say.
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2006/11/03, 09:26 AM
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it
inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Done)
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2006/11/03, 10:26 AM
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the
magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and
over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
the shows every week and began to understand what the
magician did in every trick. Once he understood that,
he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it
was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the
ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They
stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days. After a week the parrot
finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
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Maximus from Gladiator....Strength and Honor!
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2006/11/12, 05:08 PM
I didn't know if this was pushing the edge or not till I read the one by Amy above :)
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
"Tripod??
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ...Good Lord, she's fainted!...
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2006/11/13, 11:27 AM
:big_smile::laugh:
:love:ed that one.....very cute...rest my canon....:big_smile:
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2006/11/21, 02:41 PM
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.
As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Coughis very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
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Maximus from Gladiator....Strength and Honor!
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2006/11/22, 06:30 AM
Subject: THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
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2006/11/22, 03:55 PM
Some Thanksgiving Laughter....
Why did they pick the turkey to be in the band?
He had the drumsticks!
Can a turkey jump higher than the empire state building?
Yes, buildings can't jump.
What do you call the feathers on the outside of a turkey?
Turkey feathers, ofcourse!
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Bettia.... You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-Mark Twain
ravenbeauty@freetrainers.com
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2006/11/22, 05:23 PM
Hope this one is not 'over the top'....
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in
every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in
the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each
other in the hall and say "FU** YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fu** you in the divorce court
in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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Maximus from Gladiator....Strength and Honor!
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2006/11/26, 12:43 PM
Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a
water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is
just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
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Maximus from Gladiator....Strength and Honor!
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2006/11/27, 12:44 PM
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what? ' says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cursing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with 'ass"
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios"
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios ".
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Maximus from Gladiator....Strength and Honor!
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2006/11/27, 12:57 PM
:big_smile::laugh:That was funny....
"You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt."
that was funny too...I always have to stop and think righty tighty...lefty loosey...
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2006/11/27, 08:02 PM
I don't normally care for body function humor but this one was too funny:
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had
consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my ! arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. Â The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation! n in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I
quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with
myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
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2006/11/28, 02:38 PM
Top Ten Baseball Euphemisms For Sex
10. Working the rosin bag
9. Comebacker
8. Charging the mound
7. Riding the pine
6. Jerking one into the seats
5. Coming from behind
4. Doubleheader
3. Going deep in the hole
2. The big unit
1. Visiting Busch Stadium
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2006/12/10, 04:52 PM
Probably urban legend but I got this via email - long but worth the read.
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph! by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks
who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. " Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
As*h@le.
( Gary)
B*tch!
(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.
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2006/12/15, 09:56 AM
From Santa:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, and Missouri on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork skins (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat."
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
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2007/01/05, 09:20 AM
WORDS WOMEN USE WITH THEIR MEANINGS:
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm This means "something", and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
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2007/01/05, 10:39 AM
The only thing Men say that has any meaning is :
YES DEAR:
This is a wide randing meaning...everything from "I agree with what you just said." to "You're crazy and making no sense at all, but football is on so whatever(refer to Woman's meaning above)"
Everything else we say (which should be very limited in the company of a spouse) means exactly what it sounds like.
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2007/01/05, 10:40 AM
"randing"? That should have been ranging.
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2007/01/05, 02:23 PM
HEY!!!!
I know that yes dear...it's not football...but it does say "you're carzy and making no sense".
damn....he's figured me out.
--------------
\\"If you had one shot...or one opportunity to seize all you ever wanted...in one moment...would you capture it...or just let it slip\\"
eminem
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2007/01/05, 04:41 PM
Farm Girl Birth Control
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at
the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby
right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had
discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth
control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method."
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good
record."
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I
plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that
will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on
using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short
delay, he told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date
for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were
pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used
and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method
but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a
baby."
He asked the second city gal what method d she used and she
replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I
didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have
a baby."
He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going
to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a
clue what the pail and saucer method is.. Will you explain it to me as
I see it has worked well for you?"
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am
quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside
down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes
get as big as saucers,
I kick the pail out from under him."
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Bettia
To be motivated, motivate others!
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2007/01/08, 05:49 PM
HYPNOTIST IN THE SENIOR CENTER
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting
room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three
people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and
every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back
and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
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Bettia
To be motivated, motivate others!
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2007/01/08, 07:46 PM
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You give her a shovel!!!
I just made enemies with every female on this site. I'm sorry girls...
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2007/01/08, 09:27 PM
:laugh::laugh::laugh: so chauvenestic of you Steve...lol
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Bettia
To be motivated, motivate others!
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2007/01/09, 09:03 AM
IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken; Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.:laugh:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!:laugh:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge:love:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does
My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?:laugh:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.:laugh::laugh::love:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.:big_smile:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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2007/01/09, 09:03 AM
By the way were bumper stickers
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2007/01/09, 04:44 PM
Two men where pulled over. The trooper taps on the window with his nightstick and when the driver rolls down the window- "whach"- the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"what was that for?" the driver asks. "shut up and give me your licence," the officer barks. He goes back to his car, runs a check on the guy and returns when it comes up clean. He returns the licence and walks over to the passengers side. He taps on the window, the passanger rolls it down and-whack- the officer raps him on the head too.
"just making your wish come true" the trooper says.
"what wish" the passanger yells.
The cop anwsers, " I know that two miles down the road your're gonna turn to your pal and say,'I wish that pri** would've tried that crap with me!"
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2007/01/11, 09:26 AM
Here's a funny one for you!
Living Will...
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug".
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
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2007/01/11, 10:01 AM
LOVE that french...HILARIOUS...ax me about ebonix...TO funny!!!!!!!
I still like save a horse ride a cowboy....
--------------
You put yourself in stupid places....Yes I think you know its true....situations where its easy to look down on you.
I think you like to be the victim...think you like to be in pain...I think you make yourself the victim almost every single day..
....I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold... is the hand that holds you down.
Everclear
Everything
Are you the victim?
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2007/01/11, 12:36 PM
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
TOO FUNNY!!!!
:laugh::laugh:
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2007/01/11, 12:43 PM
:big_smile::laugh:
Oh my GOD that was freakin' hilarious...got tears out of me....
--------------
You put yourself in stupid places....Yes I think you know its true....situations where its easy to look down on you.
I think you like to be the victim...think you like to be in pain...I think you make yourself the victim almost every single day..
....I think you are blind to the fact that the hand you hold... is the hand that holds you down.
Everclear
Everything
Are you the victim?
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