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2005/01/21, 10:31 AM
Subject: Food: questions and answers
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a lamb chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans... another vegetable!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have has
about food and diets !
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\'F***ing Chuck Norris\'
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2005/01/21, 11:03 AM
Thank you, asimmer. Great article! Lots of valuable advice for the novice weight lifter.
I will finish my spinning class next week and never again do cardio. I'd hate to waste heartbeats spinning on a bike that's not going anywhere. And the next time someone scares me or rushes me enough to raise my heartbeat, I'm going to have them arrested for attempted murder!
Ok. Here's a clarification question for you:
If I have fat and just one body, then my bady-fat % is 50%. So to get down to 10% body fat, I need to have 10 bodies? Hmmm... Can I get those on eBay?
And would French Fries count as a complex vegetable? I mean, it is a potato fried in vegetable oil, right?
Thanks in advance for all of your help on this issue.
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--Click here to insert a clever message--
Jonathan
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